From the journal of Barney:

7/12/99

I can’t concentrate on the set anymore.  Ever since the Teletubbies stopped by the other day…I can’t stop thinking about Po.  I must have her……or him.  Or whatever the hell it is. 

 

From the journal of Ernie of Sesame Street:

4/19/73

Bert’s been out late three nights in a row.  Ever since that fight we had the other night about cookies in bed, he’s been rather cold to me.  I thought I got all the crumbs out of the sheets, but Bert wouldn’t hear of it.  “I told you not to bring cookies in bed!” he cried.  “I told you!”  He stormed out that night and didn’t return until 11 the next morning; eyes glassy and bloodshot.  Last night he got in late and the smell of smoke and liquor on his breath was sickening.  “Where were you?” I asked.  “You hanging around Mr. Hooper’s with the Count again?  How many drinks did you have?”  Bert picked up my rubber duckie and threw him out the window!  “One…two…three,” Bert stammered.  “Three shots of Wild Turkey!  Ah, ah, ah!”  God knows where he is tonight. 

 

From the journal of Sir Topham Hatt of Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends:

5/10/09

Sold Thomas, Edward, Percy and James to a scrap metal company today.  As they were being hauled away, Thomas cried, “Sir Topham Hatt!  Please!  I’ll do my best to be a really useful engine!”  “You are being useful, Thomas,” I said as I licked my thumb and counted my new stash of cash.  “Thanks to you I can pay off my gambling debts and keep my kneecaps in place.”

 

From the journal of Big Bird of Sesame Street:

2/23/79

I’m really worried about Snuffleupagus.  Ever since he started snorting that white powdered sugar he got from Luis over at The Electric Company, he’s been acting really strange.  Granted, he certainly has an increase in energy, but he hasn’t been eating as much and he seems more irritable and possibly paranoid. 

 

From the journal of Fred Rogers, of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood:

10/14/77

Rough day on the set.  My cardigan zipper sweater got caught on my chest hairs for starters.  Mr. McFeely is tops on my shit list this week.  The man is never on time.  Lady Aberlin bitched and moaned throughout today’s shoot and I nearly lost my temper during an interview on Donahue this afternoon.  But I’m glad I kept my cool.  For the show.  For the stupid kids who look up to me.  Came home and beat my wife.  Beat her in checkers, dammit.

 

From the journal of Elmo of Sesame Street:

8/27/01

I flushed Dorothy down the toilet today.  Baby Bear and Telly were there to console me.  As I was flushing, Baby Bear cried, “Elmo!  Dorothy’s moving!  She’s not dead!”  I turned and looked at him and said, “And your point is?”  Baby Bear looked at Telly and the two of them slowly backed out of the bathroom.  I reached for my Smith & Wesson which is always duct-taped behind my toilet a la Michael Corleone in the first Godfather.  “La-la la-la, la-la la-la, Elmo’s world!” I sang.  “Elmo killed his goldfish…his best friends too!”  Can’t have any witnesses.  My God, what would the audience think?

 

From the journal of Marie of Sesame Street:

4/19/73

Bert just left.  That little fight he had with Ernie really has him upset.  “I keep telling him ‘no cookies in bed’,” he sobbed.  “Why he doesn’t listen to me, I just don’t know.”  I told him to forget about Ernie.  Bert said he couldn’t.  Five minutes later, Bert was smoking a Camel and was the most relaxed Muppet I had ever seen.  He threw a $10 on my bed.  I told him I was insulted.  He took out another $20 and threw that on the bed.  We’re meeting in the Sesame Street Motel tomorrow night.

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