From God’s office on 7/20/09:

(SCENE:  We see GOD sitting behind His desk in His office, scraping the cuticles off His fingernails.  Over His phone intercom we hear a female voice.)

 

VOICE:  St. Peter here to see you, Sir.

GOD:  Thanks, Ms. Magdalene.  Send him in.  (The door opens and ST. PETER enters.  GOD motions for him to have a seat in the leather chair in front of his desk.)

PETER:  How’s it going, Big Guy?

GOD:  Not bad, Pete.  Not bad.  How you doin’?

PETER:  Pretty good.  We’ve got a big day today!  Lots of incoming souls this morning.  We have dozens of orientation classes lined up for the afternoon.

(GOD stands and begins to pace.)

GOD:  Good to hear, Pete.  Good to hear.  Listen…I called you in here today to share some troubling news.

PETER:  What’s wrong?

GOD:  Well…thanks to you, PGI would never have gotten off the ground like it has.  Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs these past 8,000 quarters, but if it wasn’t for you, Pete, Pearly Gates Inc. would never be the success that it has been.

PETER:  Thanks, m’Lord.  Has it really been that long?  Jesus!

JESUS:  Yeah, Pete?

PETER:  Oh, hey, Jesus!  I didn’t see you standing there.

GOD:  I wanted my son here because…well, Pete…we’re making some changes with PGI.

PETER:  What do you mean?

JESUS:  We’re outsourcing the entire Soul Influx Dept., Pete.  You and your team are being let go.

PETER:  What? 

JESUS:  Things have been good, Pete, but with the economy the way it is, costs have been so high and the revenue has dropped these last two quarters.  We need to trim the fat, so to speak.  We’re outsourcing the SID to a company from Hell.

PETER:  Are you serious?

GOD:  Now now, Pete.  You’re still going to get your quarterly bonus.  Don’t you worry about that.  You earned it, my friend. 

PETER:  M’Lord!  Please don’t do this to me!  For 2,000 years I’ve been your right hand man at PGI!  It’s who I am!  It’s all I know!

GOD:  You can go to Hell.

PETER:  What?!

GOD:  Satan needs someone to run the Soul Influx Dept. for a few months while he looks to hire a fulltime replacement.  I’ve already spoken with him about lending you out as a contractor.

SATAN:  Three, four months tops.

PETER:  Oh, hey Satan.  Didn’t see you standing there.  My God this is a big office. 

SATAN:  I could really use your help.  Account Receivables is in shambles. 

PETER:  What’s the point in outsourcing the department to Hell if I’m going to run it for now anyway?

GOD:  You wouldn’t believe the cost of pensions!  It was ridiculous for Me to offer those never ending retirement plans hundreds of years ago.  Nobody dies twice!  We’re nearly bankrupt, Me dammit! 

PETER (to GOD):  Alright, alright.  Four months, tops, okay? 

GOD:  You got it.  I swear to myself.

JESUS:  I’ll help you pack, Pete.  (The two exit.)

SATAN:  I gotta roll, Big Guy.  I’ll expect you to cover Peter’s relo expenses?

GOD:  Yes, yes, of course.  We still on for poker this Friday?

SATAN:  Yeah.  My turn to host. 

GOD:  I’ll bring some beer and munchies…cause I know you’ve got dessert covered!  Ha ha ha!

SATAN:  “Devil’s Food Cake” still cracks you up after all this time, huh?

GOD:  That never gets old with Me.  Now begone!  Before I get all biblical on your ass or something.

The 2010 Benefits Open Enrollment meeting will be held at 2PM today.

The 2010 Benefits Open Enrollment meeting will be held at 2PM today.