HOW LUCIFER REALLY FELL FROM HEAVEN

From God’s recently finished basement in his 7,000 square foot home roughly 50,000 years B.C.:

(SCENE:  It’s Friday night.  Poker night.  We see GOD and some of his angel buds, LUCIFER, GABRIEL, MICHAEL and RAPHAEL, sitting around a poker table.  GOD is smoking a cigar.  LUCIFER has just dealt out a hand.) 

 

GOD:  Anything wild?

LUCIFER:  Two’s and one-eyed jacks.

GABRIEL:  Who didn’t pony up?  We’re missing a chip.

RAPHAEL:  I think that was me.  Sorry.

LUCIFER:  Michael starts the betting.

GOD:  You said two’s are wild?

LUCIFER:  Yeah.  And one-eyed jacks.

MICHAEL:  I’m good for 50.

GABRIEL:  I’ll see your 50 and raise you a quarter.

RAPHAEL:  I’m out.  Can’t bet shit if I’m dealt shit.

LUCIFER:  I’ll see your 75 and raise another 50.

RAPHAEL:  Luc’s betting with a devil-may-care attitude! 

MICHAEL:  Bet’s to you, m’Lord.

GOD:  I’ll see your $1.25, Luc, and raise you another dollar!

RAPHAEL:  He’s got something brewing!

MICHAEL:  I’m out.  Too rich for me.

GABRIEL:  I’m in.  And I’ll take two cards.  (LUCIFER takes GABRIEL’s two cards and slides him two new ones.)

LUCIFER:  I’m in and I’ll take one card.

GOD:  Two’s are wild, right?

LUCIFER:  Yes!

GOD:  I’ll take two cards.

RAPHAEL:  M’Lord starts the betting.

GOD:  I’m all in, you winged freaks.  $22.75!

GABRIEL:  I’m out.  Good luck, Luc!

LUCIFER:  I’ll see your $22.75, m’Lord. 

MICHAEL:  I love this!

RAPHAEL:  Thank goodness I folded!  What do you guys have?

GOD:  Read ‘em and weep!  Five of a kind!  Five 10’s!

GABRIEL:  Look at that!  Two ten’s, two two’s and a one-eyed jack!  Amazing!

(GOD begins to wrap his arms around his winnings.)

GOD:  And on the eighth day, God kicked everyone’s ass in poker!

LUCIFER:  Hold on a sec there, m’Lord.  Good hand, but not great! 

(He slowly places his cards on the table.  Not one, not two, not three, but four aces and a two!  The other angels hoop and holler.  GOD looks pissed.)

MICHAEL:  Whoa!  Five aces! 

LUCIFER:  Sorry, m’Lord.  Looks like my winnings.

(GOD stands.)

GOD:  You cheated.

LUCIFER:  Huh?

GOD:  You cheated, you snake!  You were dealt three aces, one two of diamonds and one six of clubs.  You got rid of the six.

LUCIFER:  Yeah.  And I got an ace!  And how would you know what…

GOD:  You got rid of the six of clubs and you got a nine of spades!

LUCIFER:  Did not!

GOD:  Did too!  Michael!  Gabriel!  Grab ‘im!

LUCIFER:  What?!

(MICHAEL and GABRIEL grab LUCIFER by the arms.)

GOD:  Raphael!  Search him!

RAPHAEL:  M’Lord…

GOD:  Search him!!!  (RAPHAEL searches LUCIFER’s pockets and comes up with nothing.)  Search the feathers of his wings.  (RAPHAEL does and pulls out a nine of spades.  The angels gasp.)

LUCIFER:  How did that get in there?!

GOD:  And look!  There’s an ace of hearts still in the deck!  It just happens to match the ace of hearts in Luc’s so-called winning hand!  He had an extra ace in his wings!  You lousy cheater!

LUCIFER:  Calling me a cheater?!  How did you know what I was dealt?!

GOD:  Are you calling Me…the Creator of the universe and the world below us…a cheater???

LUCIFER:  Yeah!  I am!

GOD:  No one calls Me a cheater and gets away with it!  I hereby banish you to Hell for all of eternity!  From this moment forward you will be known as Satan and you will no longer be invited to my poker nights!

LUCIFER:  But how did you know what I was dealt???

(GOD snaps his almighty fingers and LUCIFER vanishes.)

MICHAEL:  M’Lord!  Where did he go?

GOD:  Off to Hell.  For all of eternity.  I thought I just said that.  Your deal, Gabriel.

GABRIEL (clearly shaken):  Certainly, m’Lord. 

RAPHAEL:  M’Lord…one thing troubles me.  How did you know what Luc had in his hand?

GOD:  What?  One of you angels gets banished to Hell and now you’re all Law & Order-like on my ass?

MICHAEL:  All we’re saying is…

GOD (cups his hand behind his ear):  Did you hear that?  Anyone else hear that?  Sounds like our old friend Lucifer weeping and gnashing his teeth.  He sounds lonely.  Sounds like he’d like to have an ex-poker buddy join him…

…FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!!!

N N N N N N N

(The other angels are silent as GABRIEL deals with shaking hands.  GOD puffs angrily on his stogie.)

GOD:  Anything wild?