A collection of celebrities’ letters to Santa from their childhood:

 

Michael Jackson, 1982

Dear Santa,

My friends and family say you’re not real, eee heeeeeee!  But I still believe in you!  When people say that to me, it’s hurtful, because I believe!  J’mon!  J’mon!  I love you, Santa, and all I want for Christmas is for my new album, Thriller, to be the biggest selling album of all time!  Ja know! Ja know!  And I’d like to have Gary Coleman over for a sleepover.  Eeee heeeeeeee!  Ja know!  Ja know it!  J’mon!

Love,

Michael, age 24

 

Dear Michael,

The good news is, you’re not on my naughty list.  The bad news is you’re on my “Freakishly Weird” list.  That means I won’t be anywhere near your house on Christmas Eve.  Ja know it.

Santa

 

Kate Gosselin, 1983

Dear Santa,

My name is Kate and someday I hope to brow-beat my husband into the ground in front of millions of people and exploit my children for a ton of cash so that I can afford a tummy tuck and a non-white trash haircut.

Love,

Kate, age 8

 

Dear Kate,

8-years-old, huh?  Remember that number 8, Kate.  Eight.  Don’t worry…you’ll get what’s coming to ya!

Santa

 

Suri Cruise, 2009

Dear Santa,

My name is Suri Cruise and for Christmas this year I want a new daddy!  Do you know my daddy?  He’s about an inch taller than me and he spends all day talking about Klingons and Transformers who supposedly live in the heavens above us.  But he is a good actor because in public he acts like he likes women.  But he has a creepy smile and he makes mommy cry all day because he won’t let her out of his site.  Please give me another daddy, Santa, because my current daddy is really weird.

Love,

Suri, age 3

 

Dear Suri,

I’m sorry I can’t bring you another daddy, sweetheart.  Your father is a very powerful ex-elf of mine and his Scientologists have blocked me from ever entering Hollywood.  You’re on your own.

Santa

 

Billy Mays, 1965

DEAR SANTA!

MY NAME IS BILLY MAYS AND FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR I WANT TO GET YOU SOMETHING!!!  YOU GOT STAINS IN YOUR RED SUIT?  HOW ABOUT SOME OXI-CLEAN?  KNOCK THOSE STAINS RIGHT OUT!  SPILLED SOME MILK ON YOUR COUNTERTOP WHILE EATING THOSE COOKIES??!!  JUST SPRAY SOME ORANGE GLO ON THERE TO CLEAN IT RIGHT UP!!!!!!!!  KABOOM!

BILLY MAYS!!!  AGE 7!!!!

 

Dear Billy,

Cool your jets, dude.  Chill.  No one should get that (CENSORED) excited over a (CENSORED) cleanser.

Santa

 

Sarah Palin, 1976

Dear Santa Claus,

Don’tcha know you’re like the coolest guy in the whole world?  Yah!  For Christmas this year I want to be elected class president but I will need to quit if it interferes with my cheerleading practices.  And my beauty pagents.  And hunting season.  Yah.  Don’tcha think I would make a great class president, Santa?

In God We Trust,

Sarah, age 12

 

Dear Sarah,

Yah.  As long as you don’t quit.  And be careful during hunting season.  My reindeer travel south to your area for vacation.  If one of their heads ends up hanging above your mantel, forget Naughty…you’re going on my (CENSORED) list for life.

Santa

 

Tiger Woods, 1984

Dear Santa,

My name is Tiger Woods and for Christmas I’d like to become a famous golfer when I get older.  I know golf will be my best sport because my favorite thing in the world is to put my balls in the hole.

Love,

Tiger, age 8

 

Dear Tiger,

Just remember…the name of the game is to make sure the balls get in the hole…not your club!

Santa

My sleigh ain't the only thing that's loaded!

My sleigh ain't the only thing that's loaded!