FIRST IN ‘10

From the humble abode of Rob Carroll, 41, of West Chester, PA the evening of 1/4/10:

 

ROB:  OK, the kiddies are asleep, Sue’s making their school lunches for tomorrow, and I’m sitting here in the office talking to myself.  Time to write the first Seek Therapy for 2010…and…my God…I can’t come up with anything!  My first writer’s block ever!  I can’t believe it!

(There is a KNOCK on the front door.)

ROB:  Hey!  Scat!  Get off my front door, you Knock!

KNOCK:  Sorry.  (The KNOCK exits.)

(We hear the front doorbell ring.  ROB answers the door.)

ROB:  Wow, it’s Tiger Woods!  What are you doing here in West Chester?

TIGER:  I need to seek therapy, Rob.  I checked out your website, thought it sucked which tells me you suck which is why I’m here.  (He winks.)  Who’s my caddy?

ROB:  Cool.  Honey?  Tiger Woods is here!

SUE (from the kitchen):  I’m making lunches!

ROB:  C’mon in.

TIGER:  Mind if my 17 whores join me?

ROB:  Ah.  So those 17 women are whores and you’re not, huh?  Interesting.  Er, no.  I don’t mind.  (TIGER and his women enter.)  Honey?  Tiger’s nice girlfriends are with him!

SUE (from the kitchen/annoyed):  Lunches!

 (The doorbell rings.  ROB answers.)

ROB:  Look at this!  It’s Sarah Palin!

PALIN:  Wouldn’t yah know I was driving in the area and I thought I’d stop in tah ask for directions.

ROB:  Where do you want to go?

PALIN:  The White House.  Preferably in three years.

ROB:  Honey?  Sarah Palin’s here and she’s delusional!

PALIN:  Nah.  Just lost.

ROB:  Have a seat in the living room.  Tiger Woods is in there with his whores.

(The doorbell rings.  ROB answers.)

ROB:  Wow!  It’s Donovan McNabb and…what is that??

MCNABB:  It’s the Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid.

ROB:  What’s wrong with him??

MCNABB:  His head is buried up his ass.  It’s been that way ever since we landed in Dallas last weekend.  We were hoping you would know a good proctologist.

ROB:  Uh…let me look online.

MCNABB:  Here, use my Blackberry.  (He throws it at ROB’s feet.)

ROB:  I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s a football or not, huh?  Heh, heh. 

MCNABB:  Are you…making fun…of my throwing?  *SQUISH!!!*

ROB:  Honey?  Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb are here!  Donovan must be double jointed because he just plunged his head up his own ass.

SUE (from the kitchen):  Why?  Does he think he’s on a football field?

TIGER:  Mind if I call a few women?  It ain’t a party until I got at least two dozen broads couch dancing for me at once.

ROB:  No!  No more whores.  It’s a school night.

(The doorbell rings.  ROB answers.)

ROB:  President Obama!

OBAMA:  Good evening, my fellow American.  Do you mind if I ask your thoughts on my new Afghanistan strategy?

ROB:  You mean your “Escalating In Order to Withdrawal” strategy to send in more troops with a definitive exit date of July 2011 when our troops will come home and the Taliban will simply overrun the country at that point?

OBAMA:  Yeah, that one.  Ooh!  Is that Tiger Woods with his whores?!

ROB:  Yeah, but the one you’re pointing to is Sarah Palin.  Honey?  President Obama, Sarah Palin, Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid, Tiger Woods and his whores are all in the living room!

SUE (from the kitchen):  Did you write your Seek Therapy yet for this week?

ROB:  No.  I can’t come up with any ideas!

(There is another KNOCK on the front door.)

ROB:  It’s another Knock!  Get the hell off my front door!

KNOCK:  Sorry.  Just thought I’d try to help save this issue…