From the e-mail of Len Siren, 33, computer programmer of Fruitdish, TN, to his family and friends:

 

From: Len

To: Family/Friends

Subject: Thanksgiving

 

Hey gang!

 

So we’ve got 15 people over yesterday celebrating Turkey Day.  Stacy loves spending 4 days preparing and 8 hours yesterday cooking so that we can all shovel the food down our throats in 10 minutes.  Honestly, I believe the best part of the day is going around the table and letting everyone individually give thanks.  This ritual is then followed by a hearty “Hear Hear!” and a gulp of wine.  We went through 10 bottles of the grape yesterday.  I guess there was much to give thanks for. 

 

While Jupiter sat happily in his chair flinging cranberry sauce at my mother-in-law, Stacy asked me what the hell I was thankful for.  I said I was thankful that my wife doesn’t know any good divorce lawyers!  Stacy playfully clocked me upside the head with her hand.  Jupiter saw this and began to cry.  “Why Mommy clock Daddy upside his fat head?” he whimpered. 

 

“It’s okay, Jupiter,” Stacy said.  “Daddy and I were just playing.  See?”  She clocked me upside the head again. 

 

“Yeah,” I said.  “It’s just playing, son.”  I playfully shoved Stacy’s face into her mashed potatoes.  My father laughed as he dropped his cigarette into my sister’s wineglass. 

 

“That’s not very funny,” said my father-in-law, Brogue.  “Ya keep yer hands off m’daughter if ya noo wutz good fer ya.”  Somehow, my father-in-law, born and bred in Memphis, speaks with a Scottish-Irish accent.  He stood…armed with a drumstick.

 

“Yeah?” I said as I held my ground.  “What are ya gonna do about it, old man?”  I stood with a large spoon of mashed potatoes in my hand.

 

Stacy wiped the mashed potatoes and gravy from her eyes and yelled, “Both of you sit down!  We destroyed our house a couple years ago with our food fight.  Can we please remain civil this year?”

 

Brogue and I looked at one another across the table and simultaneously shrugged.  We then turned to Stacy and flung our food at her!  Stacy immediately picked up the bowl of stuffing and heaved it at me!  I ducked.  The stuffing pelted my mother-in-law!  She then picked up the bowl of green bean casserole and frisbeed it at my wife!  Stacy ducked and the bowl smashed into the wall, leaving a hole roughly the size of Rhode Island!

 

Next thing I knew, the entire house resembled the cafeteria scene from Animal House!  My father-in-law was throwing punches at my grandmother who was gnawing on his ankle!  My sister was pounding Stacy’s brother with a gravy ladle!  My mother had my mother-in-law in a full nelson!  My grandfather was smashing a guitar off in the foyer.  Stacy brought a chair down upon my father’s head.  Jupiter was standing on his chair, clapping wildly and giggling at the insane fury.  

 

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I noticed Jupiter holding up the turkey with one hand.  In the other hand was a blowtorch!  “Don’t you DARE turn that blowtorch on that turkey!” I yelled.  Jupiter, once more displaying the fact that his listening skills are far from developed, proceeded to scorch the living tar out of the bird!  Instinctively, I flipped the table up and brought it down on my son.  Sure, what remained of the turkey was saved, but now my house was up in flames!

 

Hours later, after the last fire engine steamrolled out of my driveway and all the teeth and flesh were gathered and all the wounds attended to, we raised a glass to one another.  Jupiter held up his juicy cup.  “Here’s to family,” I said. 

 

Stacy clocked me upside the head…this time with a crowbar.  The remainder of the evening was spent in an eerie dark silence for me.

 

Hey, at least I didn’t have to help clean up!

 

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!