(SCENE:  The operating room at Mt. Herback Hospital in Havre de Grace, MD.  The patient is strapped to the operating table, already unconscious under anesthesia.  The table is surrounded by nurses and students.  A WOMAN enters the room, fully dressed in operating garb and approaches the table.)

WOMAN:  Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get this operation underway, shall we?  Please hand me the drill.

 

(The NURSE hands her a drill.  WOMAN begins to drill into the patient’s skull.)

WOMAN:  We’ll have this tumor out in no time.  Let me have the skull saw, please.

 

NURSE:  Are you sure you want the skull saw, doctor?  You haven’t finished the drilling yet.

 

WOMAN:  Are you telling me how to do my job, Nurse?  I’m a brain surgeon, for crying out loud!

 

(NURSE #2 rips the gown and cap off of WOMAN.)

NURSE #2:  Hold on a sec!  You’re not Dr. Martin!  You’re his wife!  What are you doing in here???

 

WOMAN:  Why shouldn’t I be allowed to act on this patient’s brain?  My husband is a brain surgeon and we’ve been married for 8 years!  By default that means that I am now qualified to be a brain surgeon!

 

NURSE:  My God!  Someone get this crazy lady out of the O.R.!  Page Dr. Martin immediately!

 

(A few students grab MRS. MARTIN and begin to drag her out of the operating room.)

WOMAN:  I know what I’m doing!  I’ve heard my husband discuss this procedure over the years!  That qualifies me to be a brain surgeon!  I’ve even seen pictures of a skull saw!  I once even stood outside the operating room while my husband did his job!  Why aren’t you listening to me?!?!  Let me go! 

 

MAN:  Has this ever happened to you?  You’re married to a brain surgeon for eight years and you wake up one morning believing that you are now qualified to hold a scalpel?  Silly, isn’t it?  Not to us here at Whitewater Pharmaceuticals.  We have just issued a new prescription drug called Delusionalpro to help those who suddenly begin to suffer from a delusional disorder.  Delusional disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis denoting a psychotic mental illness that involves holding one or more non-bizarre delusions in the absence of any other significant psychopathology (signs or symptoms of mental illness).  In this case, poor Mrs. Martin suffers the delusion that she is qualified to be a brain surgeon simply because her husband of 8 years is also a brain surgeon.  Taking Delusionalpro three times daily will cure your loved one of the most extreme effects of delusional disorder.

 

MRS. MARTIN:  I took Delusionalpro for six weeks and now I realize I am not qualified to be a brain surgeon!  I don’t know what I was thinking!

 

NARRATOR (spoken very quickly):  Side effects include:  delusions of grandeur, an increase in ego, thoughts of running for president, the inability to recognize one’s own limitations, the inability to recall past events such as dodging sniper fire in Bosnia, a false sense of invincibility, the inability to convey any sort of humor and the inability to know when to shut one’s mouth for one’s own good.

 

MAN:  Order Delusionalpro for your delusional loved one today before it’s too late for the rest of us!