THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN

 

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  THE ELEVATOR BUTTON PUSHER

(It is the 2010 Connecticut Society of Proctologists Convention in the Crowne Plaza Hotel in downtown Hartford.  Dr. Jonas Felton has just checked in and has made his way to the elevators.  He pushes the UP button which immediately illuminates.  We see Dr. Felton slowly rocking back and forth on his feet as he waits for an elevator to arrive.  Thirty seconds later, ASS-MAN arrives in cheeky fashion with his “Twilight: Eclipse” duffel bag.  Dr. Felton is alarmed by ASS-MAN’s horrid looks.)

 

FELTON:  Good Lord!

ASS-MAN:  I’d like to think so.  If not, then I suppose we’re all damned for eternity.

 

(ASS-MAN proceeds to push the illuminated elevator button.  Dr. Felton silently seethes as ASS-MAN sings to himself.)

 

ASS-MAN:  Brandy, you’re a fine girl!  What a gooood wife you would be!  Such a fine girl!  Sorry, my voice always cracks on that line.  I suppose that’s bound to happen when one sings from a crack.  Heh, heh!

FELTON:  You do realize that the elevator button was already pushed.

ASS-MAN:  Sorry?

FELTON:  The elevator button was lit.  I had already pushed it.

ASS-MAN:  So? 

FELTON:  What was the point pushing the button when it’s already been pushed?

ASS-MAN:  It’ll make the elevator get down here faster.  But my life, my love and my lay-day…is the see-ee-ee…

(ASS-MAN pushes the button again.)

FELTON:  Seriously?

ASS-MAN:  Makes it go faster.

FELTON:  Is that a wise crack?

ASS-MAN:  And he starts with the butt jokes!

FELTON:  Sir, I already took the time to push the UP button.  It’s already lit.  You can see that.  What sort of psychological or micro-managing force allows you to walk in here and push it again?

ASS-MAN:  I admit I am a bit anal.

FELTON:  I bet you repeatedly bang on the “Walk” button for pedestrians at intersections.

ASS-MAN:  Sure I do.  Makes it go faster.

FELTON:  You ever press the UP and DOWN buttons at the same time?  I can’t stand it when people push them both together. Sure it’ll get an elevator there faster but it won’t speed up the one traveling in the direction you want to go.

ASS-MAN:  At night…when the bars close down…and Brandy walks through a silent town…

FELTON:  When there are people already on the stopped elevator they all wonder why no one is getting on!  In the meantime, you just stand outside the elevator looking in at them.  

ASS-MAN:  And loves a man…who’s not around…she still can hear him say…

FELTON:  And then there are the people who get on elevators traveling the opposite direction but press buttons for floors that the elevator won’t hit but then they get visibly frustrated and angry.  

ASS-MAN:  I like to rush onto the elevator while everyone’s trying to get out.

FELTON (all fired up):  This one time, I started on 9 and was headed to the lobby. Some guy gets on at 4 and presses 12. When the elevator continues down, he audibly exhales and looks at me like I did something wrong!

(ASS-MAN repeatedly presses the button now.  The UP arrow above the elevator door illuminates, we hear a “bing!” and the doors open.)

ASS-MAN:  See?  Got here faster.  She hears him say, “Bran-day!  You’re a fine girl!  What a gooood wife you would be!  Such a fine girl!”

FELTON:  You’re an ass.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  How come no one ever wants to dance cheek to cheek with me??

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