On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ASS-MAN BUTTS, ER, BETS HIS DOCTOR

(We see Ass-Man standing in his doctor’s office, butt-faced naked.  Dr. Gordon enters the room.)

GORDON:  Good Lord!  Sorry, Ass-Man, I just can’t get used to your ass being above your neck. 

ASS-MAN:  It’s okay, Doc.  Sometimes I still can’t believe I’m in this predicament.  I’m just thankful I have this here hole in my ass so I can still communicate.  I’m not sure what I’d do if I didn’t have it.  Thank God for ass holes, huh?

GORDON:  So what can I do for you today?

ASS-MAN:  Just my regular check-up.

GORDON:  OK.  Take a step on the scale over there.  Thank you.  Hmmm…250 lbs.  You’ve gained 10 lbs. since last year’s check-up, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  250 lbs.?  Really?  I can’t believe that! 

GORDON:  Do you exercise?

ASS-MAN:  Do I exercise??  Like a fiend, Doc!  I’m really anal about it!  Touch these cheeks!  Rock solid!

GORDON:  Yes, your face…er…ass is like granite.  Well, muscle does weigh more than fat.

ASS-MAN:  But 10 lbs.?  I can’t believe it.  All of the swimming and spinning I do!

GORDON:  It’s okay, Ass-Man.  Maybe you’re eating a bit too much.

ASS-MAN:  Ever since I replaced my face with my ass I’ve been eating less.  Food is somehow less enjoyable now.

GORDON:  Well…I’m not one for counting calories, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to write down what you eat for the next week or two, and then go see a nutritionist I’m going to recommend to you.

ASS-MAN:  Doc…I’m willing to bet I can lose 10 lbs. without the use of a nutritionist!  In fact, I’m willing to bet I can lose 10 lbs. immediately!

GORDON:  That’s ridiculous!  No one can lose 10 lbs. at the drop of a hat. 

ASS-MAN:  Wanna make a bet?  I’ll bet you $100!

GORDON:  You’re saying that if you stepped back on that scale right now…you’d weigh 240 lbs.?

ASS-MAN:  Yep!  And if I’m not at 240, I’ll pay you $100!

GORDON:  You’re on!  Step back on the scale, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  Get ready to fork over a Ben Franklin, Doc!  (He steps on the scale.)

GORDON:  Ha!  250 lbs.!  I knew you were talking out your ass!

ASS-MAN:  Oh, wait a second… (He steps off the scale as his butt crack turns up in a sly smile.)  Let me lose this here erection first!

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  How many times do I have to tell you?  Just because I talk out my ass does not mean I work for the government!!!