God’s personal journal was discovered on August 6, 2002, by two little girls while strolling through Launfal Park in Fruitdish, Tennessee.  Local religious leaders believe the Almighty must have dropped it.  “We believe God must have dropped it or something,” said Reverend Herman Barnes of St. Mary’s Baptist Church.  How did the journal remain intact after the fall?  “The journal has very strong binding,” Reverend Barnes stated.

 

July 8th, 5,687,422 B.C.

            Woke up.  Made the coffee too weak.  Created light (which has made it easier to see what the hell I’m writing.)  Had fun creating the world in only six days.  It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t have to wait for a building permit.  I’m resting today.  Thinking about creating Man.  Either that or putting on an addition. I mean, I’ve got nothing else to do with my time.  Not sure if I want it enclosed.  Thinking of creating a contractor to give me a free estimate and would be available to do the job within six weeks.

 

October 12th, 5,687,420 B.C.

Satan is still bugging the hell outta me.  He’s very sarcastic.  His left eye is weird, too.  Like, I’ll be talking to him and his right eye is looking right at me, but his left eye is looking at my ass or something.  Ate dinner alone.  How many times can I burn pork chops?  I need a maid, too.  Heaven is such a mess, I swear to myself.

 

March 3rd, 657,131 B.C.

            Well, I did it.  I created Man.  I’ve decided to name him Adam.  He’s a pretty funny guy.  The other day, we’re walking in this Garden of Eden I created for him, and he says to me, “God, I need to ask a favor.” I said, “What is it, my son?”  He said, “I need you to create something for me.”  I smirked.  “Are you lonely, Adam?” I asked.  “Do you want me to create a Woman for you?”  “Huh?” replied Adam.  “What is a Woman?”  He grabbed his jewels with his left hand and said, “I want you to create a bigger thing-a-ma-jigger for me.  The monkeys are saying I must be Irish or something.”

            I did not do as Adam asked, but instead rendered him unconscious with a snap of my fingers.  I then took a rib out of his body, and with one breath I formed the first Woman around Adam’s rib.  When Adam awoke, he saw this Woman and proclaimed, “Hallelujah!  Someone to cook and clean!”  He suddenly developed a beer gut, his hairline receded three inches, he planted his bulging ass in a leather couch, grabbed a remote control and aimed it at a tree.

            “What the hell is that?” asked the Woman.

            “Man,” I replied.  “His name is Adam.”

            “Make me a sandwich while yer up, honey,” said Adam as he stared at the tree.    

            The Woman looked at me desperately.  “I’d rather be a rib than drag his ass all over creation.”

            I laughed.  These two were quite the couple.  Adam named her Eve which was short for “Everything Out Of Your Mouth Is a Bitch and Moan.” 

            Eve nicknamed Adam “Irish.”  The monkeys liked that one.