From the e-mails of Max Werther, 28, a per diem proctologist of Wilmington, NC, to his wife, Lynn:

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  Idea

Date:  November 10th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

How’s work?  Busy here.  Idea for mutual Christmas gift!  Jeannie called an hour ago to say that her cat (a Persian, I believe) has given birth.  Now I know you don’t like cats, honey, but if they are Persians, they are going to be very cute.  In fact, Persians are the most popular domestic cats out there.  They’re very warm and lovable and they don’t smell as bad as dogs.  Let’s go out there tonight and take a look.  What do you think?

 

Love,

Me

 

 

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  So???

Date:  November 11th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

How’s work?  My boss is getting on my nerves again.  I gave him an expense report (took one of our consultants out to lunch last week) and he wants me to pay half.  I stood firm.  “Why should I have to pay half?” I cried.  He said it wasn’t company policy to take consultants to the racetrack and expense my losses, but I was so sure Vat O’ Glue would at least place! 

 

So…any other thoughts on the kittens?  I’ve never seen you so crazy about animals before.  I can’t believe there were only two in the litter.  Which one do you want?  The boy or the girl?

 

Love,

Me

 

 

 

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  No!!!

Date:  November 11th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

No!  We are not getting both kittens!  Are you insane?!  I refuse to give in to you.  We will never get both kittens!

 

Love,

Me

 

 

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  I’m Whipped

Date:  November 12th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

Everyone here says I’m whipped for agreeing to get both cats.  You know you’re going to suffer with your allergies.  Why do we have to get both cats?  And I don’t buy your silly argument that the “two will miss each other”.  They’re cats!  Within two minutes after their separation they won’t even remember the other one!  I think I’d rather have one big smelly dog.

 

Love,

Me

 

 

From:  Max

To:  Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  Names

Date:  November 17th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

I don’t like Tony and Tina.  Burns and Allen, Fred and Ginger, Fred and Wilma, Nancy and Sluggo…I don’t like any of them.  Since we both love the stage, I’m thinking of something theatrical.  Something Shakespearean.  Consider Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and Ophelia.

 

Love,

Me

 

 

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  Ham & Ophie

Date:  November 17th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

So you like Hamlet and Ophelia, huh?  So do I.  Ham and Ophie it is.  They look like a Ham and Ophie.  Ham has the eyes of a director and Ophie has the personality of a melodramatic, self-centered actress.  There’s something about Ophie that worries me, Lynn.  I think we have our hands full with her.

 

Love,

Me

 

 

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  Ham & Ophie

Date:  November 20th

 

Dear Lynn,

 

Ham called.  Ophie got her head stuck in the toilet.  Put her on the phone, I said.  “Can’t,” said Ham, “her head’s stuck in the toilet.”  Suddenly, I heard this tremendous tear, as if God himself was in the apartment letting it rip.  Then, now don’t get upset, I heard what sounded like Ol’ Faithful herself; a geyser erupting in our bathroom.  There were some curses, and the phone dropped.  Someone picked it up.  “Christ!”  I heard.  It was Ophie!  Ophie, I said, what’s going on over there?  Is your head out of the toilet?  “No, Goddammit!  It’s still on my f*&#ing head!!!”  Then how in God’s name are you talking to me?  “F$%* you!” she cried and slammed the phone down.

 

I just got a call from the Wilmington Department.  Apparently, now don’t get upset, Ophie ripped the entire toilet off its base and is now walking, in a daze, on Wooster Street with a toilet seat cover on her noggin’, chanting like a Muslim.  The entire first floor is flooded and Ham is in a state of shock.  Those kids!  (*Chuckle!*)  What are we going to do with them? (*Chortle!*)

 

Love,

Me