CHOCK FULL OF NUTS

(What happens when there are too many stories to satirize in one week.  SCENE:  Your standard retail store.  KATE GOSSELIN enters and is greeted by an employee dressed in a SANTA outfit.)

 

SANTA:  Ho ho ho!

KATE:  How dare you call me a ho’!

SANTA:  Welcome to your standard retail store!  Ho ho ho!  Merry Christmas!

KATE:  Uh…it’s two weeks to Halloween and I need to buy some outfits for my kids.  You know, my “plus 8”?  Ha, ha, ha.  I’m Kate Gosselin and I’m all about me.

SANTA:  I’m sorry; we stopped selling Halloween stuff back in August.  Thanksgiving season ended on Columbus Day.  Do you need some stocking stuffers?  I’d hurry if I were you!  The trucks full of Valentine’s Day crap is unloading in the back as we speak.  Ho ho ho!

KATE:  Are you kidding me?  I can’t buy Halloween stuff in October anymore??  I can’t live like this!  Why did Jon leave me?  I can’t go on… (to camera man)…you’re not standing on my good side…cheat left…cheat left!   Ahem!  Action!  Why did Jon leave me?

(SANTA removes his red coat and pants to reveal a CUPID outfit, complete with bow and arrow.)

SANTA/CUPID:  Happy Valentine’s Day!  Get all your goodies for Valentine’s Day before it’s too late!

(The front doors open and ROMAN POLANSKI enters, amidst a chorus of boos.)

ROMAN:  What?  She wanted it!  Everybody knows that!  (To SANTA/CUPID)  I need a really good Halloween outfit.  The French have a plan to sneak me out of my Swiss cell tonight but I need to be disguised.

SANTA/CUPID:  Why don’t you disguise yourself as a moral human being who realizes now, 32 years later, that he should pay the penalty for molesting a 13-year-old when he himself was 44?

ROMAN:  Nah…how about a ghost or a pirate costume?

SANTA/CUPID:  You’re already out of Switzerland, Mr. Polanski.  This is a standard retail store in the U.S.

ROMAN:  My God those French are efficient.

KATE:  How come no one is talking to me anymore?  Helllloooo??  Kate Gosselin here!  Did I mention I’m on Facebook?  And that I Twit?  No one is more relevant or hip than me!

(The front doors open and JOHN McCAIN enters.)

McCAIN:  Good day, my friends.  I’m here today to urge everyone to write their congressman to push for a posthumous pardon for Jack Johnson.

SANTA/CUPID:  Jack Johnson is dead???  I loved Jack Johnson!  I have all his albums!

KATE:  Does he ever sing about me, Kate Gosselin?  I’m appearing on The View next week.  Not sure who’s babysitting my kids.  (to camera man)  Did you get that?  I just smiled.  See?  I can smile!!!

McCAIN:  My friends, I’m talking about the African-American boxer, Jack Johnson.  I’m urging President Obama to grant a posthumous pardon to Johnson who served 10 months in jail for dating a white woman in 1913.

ROMAN:  This is why I fled your stupid country!  He got 10 months in jail just for dating a white chick???

(The front doors open and RICHARD and MAYUMI HEENE, along with their son FALCON a.k.a. “Balloon Boy” enter, amidst a chorus of boos.)

RICHARD:  What?  It wasn’t a hoax!  We are not in this for the attention!  Ooh, honey, look!  Cameras!

FALCON:  Daddy, you told me to go hide in the garage so that one day we can have a reality TV show and sell our souls like that bitch Kate Gosselin.

RICHARD:  Did not.  (to KATE’s camera man)  Get my good side on this.  Not too close.  Thanks!  Ahem!  I am Richard Heene and I am here today to assure all of America that I am indeed available for a reality TV show contract.  My wife and I have decided to adopt some more kids, give them all names like Hawk and Swallow and Peregrine, then swap wives or kids or lose weight or dance or whatever it takes to get a multi-million dollar contract from the idiots at TLC.

KATE:  Beat ya to it, loser.

(The front doors open and KANYE WEST enters.)

KANYE:  There are so many funnier blogs than this one!

(SANTA/CUPID is now dressed as a LEPRECHAUN.)

LEPRECHAUN:  That would have been funnier 2 weeks ago, jackass.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

(Everyone but KANYE WEST holds their heads back and laughs.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

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