CONVICTS ‘10

NEW THIS SUMMER!  CONVICTS RETURNS TO NBC!

Starring Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Times Square Terrorist Faisal Shahzad, Pope Benedict XVI and Bill Clinton as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week as you witness the house arrest of these five criminals!

 

(Scene:  The living room.  BILL CLINTON can be seen eating a cheeseburger and slurping on a milkshake while downloading porn on the computer on the side desk.  BEN ROETHLISBERGER is sitting on the couch playing Xbox.)

 

BEN:  Dude!  Like I won again!  I rule!

CLINTON:  The TV isn’t on, Ben.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

BEN:  Oh…I thought I was playing in night vision or something. 

CLINTON:  Heh, heh.  You shoulda worn a helmet that night you were riding, Ben.

BEN:  That’s what that underage bitch in Georgia said, Mr. President!  She wished I wore a helmet!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The front door opens and TIGER WOODS enters.  We hear booing from the live studio audience.)

TIGER (to audience):  What?  Oh, like none of you ever cheated on your wives with 17 whores?  C’mon!

CLINTON:  Hey, Tiger!  C’mere.  I just downloaded a bunch of hot babes…I think you slept with half of them, heh heh.

TIGER:  Real funny, Mr. President.  (He looks at the computer screen.)  Hey, you see that one there?  I gave her an Italian kiss.

CLINTON:  What’s that?

TIGER:  It’s a French kiss but a little further south.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

BEN:  How’s your bulging (CENSORED) problem, Tiger?

TIGER:  Disk, Ben.  It’s a bulging disk problem.  That’s why I quit the golf tournament on Sunday.  I couldn’t swing.

BEN:  My lawyers advised me not to swing anymore.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON:  I’ve always had a bulging (CENSORED) problem, Tiger.  My (CENSORED) is always bulging…unless Hillary’s in the room.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The front door opens and POPE BENEDICT XVI enters.  There is a smattering of boos and cheers from the audience.)

CLINTON:  Good afternoon, your Holiness!

POPE:  We in the Catholic Church don’t like to use the word holy anymore, my children. 

BEN:  What are you doing here?

POPE:  Seems as if the world is upset that the Catholic Church allowed thousands of our bishops and priests to molest young boys for years and turned a blind eye to it. 

TIGER:  Wow, that’s really bad. 

POPE:  I know.  One priest in a German parish apparently molested a thousand young boys.  I punished him and yet here I am on Convicts!  I don’t get it!

BEN:  What did you to the priest?  Have him kicked out of the church?  Arrested and have him stand trial?

POPE:  No, I had his name changed and then sent to another parish.  Can someone toss me a beer? (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The door opens and FAISAL SHAHZAD enters.  The audience boos mercilessly.  There is black smudge on his face, his hair is a mess, and smoke rises off his torn clothes.  He is holding what appears to be shredded cardboard.)

BEN:  Misfired again, Faisal?

FAISAL:  I don’t get it.  The directions said to mix the two solutions together, let stand for 60 seconds, then add the powder, shake quickly, throw and enjoy.  I did that and it blew up in my face.  (TIGER takes the shredded cardboard from his hands.)

TIGER:  The directions say to mix the solutions and let stand for 30 seconds.  It blew up in your face because you held it for too long.

BEN:  Ha!  That’s what I said to that underage bitch in Georgia!

(ALL laugh and slap one another on the back.  Audience claps and cheers.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)