Starring: Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil and Bill Clinton as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week on NBC as you witness the house arrest of these four criminals!

 

(Scene:  The living room.  Bill Clinton, dressed in a contemporary suit, can be seen eating a cheeseburger and slurping on a milkshake as he’s once again downloading porn on a computer.  Michael Jackson is dressed in his ridiculous garb practicing dance moves in front of the TV.)

 

CLINTON: Hey, Michael.  Wanna see some of the porn I’m downloading?

MICHAEL: Eeeeeeee heeeeeeeeee!  I don’t think so, Mr. President.  Those pictures of nude women are hurtful.

CLINTON: I was downloading pictures of little naked boys…

MICHAEL: Scoot on over, Billy.  (Laughtrack heard here as MICHAEL sits next to CLINTON.  We suddenly hear a knock on the door.)

MARTHA (offstage): I’ll get it!  (MARTHA enters from the kitchen wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants with a full-length apron.  Mixed boos and cheers from the audience.)

MICHAEL: You sure, Martha, honey?  I’m waiting for a small delivery.

MARTHA: Oh?  What did you order?

MICHAEL: An 8-year-old Puerto Rican boy.  Eeeeee heeeeeeeee!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

MARTHA: Oh, Michael!  You’re so bad!  (She answers the door.  It’s DR. PHIL accompanied by a POLICE OFFICER.)

COP: Well, here’s your new roommate.  Better stock up on the Twinkies. 

DR. PHIL: This is ridiculous!  I shouldn’t be living here under house arrest!  What criminal act have I committed?

COP: We’ve gone over this time and time again, Dr. Phil.  Just by trying to sell America your talk show and asinine books is your crime.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

DR. PHIL: I think you need to read my latest book, Officer.  It’s called Listen, Just Because I Sell Books About Weight Loss and Saving Relationships When I’m a Fat Fraud Named Dr. Phil Doesn’t Warrant a 6-Month House Arrest Term.

COP: Funny thing is, I did buy that book.  Nothing but blank pages!

DR. PHIL: Why do you think I’m smiling on the cover?  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON: Bravo to you, Dr. Phil!  You and I have something in common.

DR. PHIL: We both need to do a few sit-ups?  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON: No.  We both suckered in America with our adorable and somehow believable Southern drawls!  (Pause)  Hey!  How come I didn’t get a laughtrack after that last line?

MICHAEL: You should both be ashamed of yourselves!

DR. PHIL: Why?  Because I refuse to admit I’m a fraud?

MICHAEL: No, because you’re blocking my view of the computer!  I’m trying to see my nudie boy pictures, pudgeboat!  Eeeeee heeeeee!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

MARTHA: I can’t believe I have to spend the next three months with you three swindlers.  Sigh!  I miss the days when Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson were here.  They knew how to treat a woman.  (Audience boos mercilessly.)    

DR. PHIL: Sounds like you need to talk, Martha.  Why don’t I unpack and we can sit down and discuss my latest book, If You Have to Deal With a 6-Month House Arrest, Deal Me In?

MARTHA: And then we can discuss my latest book, Even Though I’m In Jail I Hope All You Dopey Midwestern Women Still Buy My Crap at K-Mart.

CLINTON: And then we’ll discuss my next book, Bill Clinton: My Wife, A Knife, How I’d Like To Take a Life.  (Laughtrack heard here.)  Thank you.  I appreciate that.

MICHAEL: And we can wrap up the night discussing my new book, My Life is Still Fantastic Even Though My Face Is 100% Plastic.  Eeeee heeee!

DR. PHIL: Wow, Michael.  I can see you have some serious issues.  If I were a real psychiatrist I’d like to help you.

MICHAEL: Do you have any pictures of yourself when you were 10?  I bet you were a cute little butterball, weren’t you?

ALL:  Eeeeee heeeeeeeee!

 

(Laughtrack heard here as the four and the police officer laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)