Starring: Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Martha Stewart and former Enron CEO/founder Kenneth Lay as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week as you witness the house arrest of these four criminals!

 

(Scene:  The living room.  Bill Clinton, dressed in a contemporary suit, can be seen downloading porn on a computer.  Saddam is dressed casually and is sitting on the couch, drinking a milkshake and watching TV)

CLINTON: Whatcha watching, Saddam my friend?

SADDAM: American infidel television.  I am watching a show called “Big Brother” where a handful of American washouts live together in sin under the same roof.  If this were Iraq, I would have all of the contestants and producers shot in the head.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON: Heh, heh.  Speaking of shot in the head, what would it cost if I hired you to take out my wife?

SADDAM: What kind of restaurant?  And are we talking a Broadway show afterwards?

CLINTON: I don’t mean on a date, Saddam!  I mean to take her out!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay enters wearing a robe, slippers and holding a Wall Street Journal.  Sound of boos from the studio audience.)

LAY: Morning, Bill.  Morning, Saddam.

SADDAM: Morning?  It’s 8:30 in the evening, Mr. Lay.

CLINTON: He said, “Lay.”  (Giggles)

LAY (looks at his watch): 8:30 p.m.?  Damn.  I must have spent all day sleeping and dreaming of different ways to screw thousands of workers out of their 401k.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(Martha Stewart enters wearing an apron and oven mitts, holding a tray of cookies.  Audience is mixed with boos and cheers.)

MARTHA: Would anyone like a Martha Stewart cookie?  I made them from one of my own Martha Stewart recipes from MarthaStewartLiving.com.  Log on now and buy a subscription to the Martha Stewart Living magazine.

CLINTON: Your cookies are the best, Martha!  Boy, I wish I could have married a homebody like you rather than marrying that homely bitch with no body whatsoever! 

SADDAM (takes cookie): If you were my wife, I would have had you shot years ago.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

LAY: So let me ask you, Martha.  How the hell did you get away with only five months in prison and five months house arrest?

MARTHA: Might be that I tried to save myself $43,000 by cheating the system, Mr. Lay.  You, however, cheated all of your employees of their retirement and life savings.  Let me ask you this…how is it that I have already had my trial and received my conviction and you’re still a free man?

LAY (to Saddam): Hey, Saddam, ol’ buddy.  How much would it cost if I hired you to take Martha out? 

SADDAM: What kind of restaurant?  And are we talking a Broadway show afterwards?  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(Just then there is a knock at the door.  Kenneth Lay opens it and we see Kobe Bryant wearing a Lakers jersey and holding a basketball.)

LAY: Hey, look, everybody!  It’s our ex-roommate, Kobe Bryant!  (Cheers and boos from the studio audience.)

KOBE: Hi, gang!  I just wanted to stop by and see how everyone was doing!

LAY: You must be pretty happy with the fact that you got off.

CLINTON: He said, “Got off.”  (Giggles.)

KOBE: Yeah, thank goodness.  Ya know something?  Raping that girl nearly ruined my clean-cut image!  (Laughtrack heard here.)  Who’s up for a game of Horse?

CLINTON: You know I always am, Kobe.  All of my girlfriends nicknamed me “Horse.”

MARTHA: I’ll play, too.  Let me grab my Martha Stewart sneakers on sale at MarthaStewartLiving.com for $69.99.  Please buy my magazine, too since we have all worked so hard in making my company so great and it took such a personal matter of me trying to buck the system to see it all come crashing down.  That’s MarthaStewartLiving.com.  Log on now and if you pay for a year’s subscription to my magazine I’ll throw in some free Martha Stewart bath towels and a free Martha Stewart cookbook that shows you how to make pancakes and how to pour milk into a bowl of cereal and…

(BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! We see Martha Stewart drop to the floor and Saddam holding a smoking gun.  Clinton, Lay and Kobe clap and we hear applause from the studio audience.)

SADDAM: Gentlemen, that was on the house!  (Laughtrack heard here.) 

CLINTON: Saddam, you just love mass destruction, don’t you?

SADDAM (points to his own groinal area): I got yer weapon of mass destruction right here! 

 

(Laughtrack heard here as the four laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)