From the residence of Harry Simmons, 36, of Coventry, RI.  Simmons is a private accountant, not certified or public, thank you very much.  The following took place the evening of 8/7/09:

 

HARRY:  Ah!  A nice, peaceful Friday evening.  The wife and kids are watching a movie in the basement and I’m sitting here in my home office, talking to myself.  Think I’ll check my email. 

 

Hmmm, what’s this?  “Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Lands’ End.”  Great, more Facebook nonsense from someone I haven’t seen since high school.  Delete.  Now what’s this?  “Stacy Novak suggested you become a fan of Cheap Teeth Whitening.”  Huh?  Delete.  What, are you kidding me?  “Colleen Flemming suggested you become a fan of GEICO.”  What the hell is going on here?  Why the hell would I want to become a fan of a car insurance company?  Why are these people from two decades ago sending me this crap???

 

“Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Gary Coleman.”  What?  “John Lawrence suggested you become a fan of Freaks and Geeks.”  Why?  It was canceled ten years ago!  “Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Flipping the Pillow Over To Get To The Cold Side.”  What does that mean?  Delete, delete, delete, delete!

 

One hour later…

 

HARRY:  “Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Sky Motored Cars.” DELETE!  “John Lawrence suggested you become a fan of silly string.”  What the hell?  I’m 36, not 11!  DELETE!  “Stacy Novak suggested you become a fan of the Art of the Age of Mechanical Reproduction.”  What the hell does that even mean?  Jesus!  What a bunch of losers!  Why did I even join Facebook???

(Suddenly, there is a loud explosion and what remains of the front door rains in the home office amidst a cloud of smoke.  Clearly stunned, HARRY is dazed as two men dressed in S.W.A.T. looking gear enter the kitchen.  Both are wearing helmets and carrying guns.)

HARRY:  My God!  What is going on?  Who are you people?

OFFICER #1:  We’re the Facebook Police.

HARRY:  The Facebook Police?

OFFICER #2:  You are Harry Simmons, age 36, of 2416 Hilltop Drive?

HARRY: Yes, but…

OFFICER #1:  It has come to our attention that you have not become a fan of anything on Facebook.

OFFICER #2:  Ever.

HARRY:  Because it’s stupid.

OFFICER #1:  Excuse me?

HARRY:  It’s stupid.  It’s juvenile.  Why do I need to become a fan of such worthless crap?  Why would anyone want to waste their precious time with such nonsense?  Look at this…while you’ve been here harassing me, I’ve been invited to become a fan of “People Who Become Fans Of Things on Facebook.”

OFFICER #2:  Sir, don’t you dare hit delete.

HARRY:  I just did.  And now I’m going to dial 9-1-1.

OFFICER #1:  Get him.

(The two OFFICERS grab HARRY and pull him away from the computer.  OFFICER #1 begins to pry open HARRY’s mouth.  As HARRY screams, OFFICER #2 takes a little bottle of liquid out of his vest and pours it down HARRY’s throat.)

OFFICER #2:  That’s it.  Drink the Facebook Juice.  Good.  (The two OFFICERS let him go.  HARRY’s face turns blank as he turns his chair to his computer.)

HARRY:  Must become…fan…of…pointless things…on…Facebook.

OFFICER #1:  The Facebook Juice has taken effect.  Our work here is done.  (They open fire on a bay window in the living room and jump through the shards.)

HARRY: (now sounding a bit like William Shatner):  Yes…I’ll become…a fan…of “Captain Kangaroo Forever” and “Norman Fell” and “Raw Cookie Dough”, and “Tron” and “Laughing When Somebody Falls” and “Hot Showers” and “Yogurt That Has Fruit On The Bottom” and “Hugs” and “The Banana Splits” on Facebook…on Facebook…on Facebook…on Facebook… on Facebook… on Facebook…

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