Grandpa Malarky recently moved into the Malarky household in West Chester, Pa.  Here are some scenes from his first days with his son’s family:

 

We see Grandpa sitting on a chair in the kitchen staring at a turkey cooking in the oven when his son Flex walks in…

FLEX:  Why are you staring at the oven, Dad?

GRANDPA:  Oven?  Aw, hell!  I thought I was watching the Food Network!

 

Grandpa sitting on the couch talking to his 12-year-old grandson, Alex…

ALEX:  You gotta come outside and see my new skateboard, Grandpa!

GRANDPA:  So ya got yourself a new skateboard, eh?  What’d it cost ya?

ALEX:  $100.

GRANDPA:  Hundred bucks??  Jesus Christmas!  In my day a skateboard was two bucks for a piece of wood, five bucks for a pair of roller skates and a whipping from my dad for ruining a good pair of roller skates!

 

Grandpa sitting in the passenger seat next to his son, Flex…

FLEX:  I can’t believe you got into a car accident, Dad!  At least you’re alright.

GRANDPA:  It wasn’t my fault!  I was backing my car out of the driveway when it was struck by the other car in the same place it was struck several times before!

 

Grandpa sitting with his 10-year-old granddaughter, Alison…

ALISON:  You know it’s your birthday this Sunday, Grandpa.

GRANDPA:  I know that!  You don’t have to tell me what I already know.

ALISON:  So whaddya want for your birthday?

GRANDPA:  Who’s having a birthday?

ALISON:  You are!

GRANDPA:  I know that!  I know when it’s my birthday!  Trust me, I was there when I was born.

ALISON:  So what kinda present should I getcha?

GRANDPA:  Make sure you buy me something you like, cause you’re gonna get it back when I die!

 

Grandpa walking with his grandson, Alex…

GRANDPA:  When I was a kid, I had to walk five miles to school, uphill, every day, through twenty inches of snow, with no shoes…and no feet…

ALEX:  I guess you weren’t very smart as a kid, Grandpa.

GRANDPA:  Whaddya mean?

ALEX:  You shoulda just taken the school bus!

 

Grandpa sitting outside on the hammock with Alex and Alison…

GRANDPA:  Your parents ever take you kids camping?

ALISON:  I just went camping with the Girl Scouts this spring.

ALEX:  I went camping with my class a couple years ago.

GRANDPA:  Your parents should take you camping!  When I was your age, I went camping all the time!  We’d make a campfire every night just by rubbing two sticks together.

ALEX:  What did you do if it rained?

GRANDPA:  We’d rub a little harder!  We’d sing a few songs, tell some ghost stories, then roast our wieners on a stick until they turned black and split!

(ALEX and ALISON look at one another and start giggling.)

GRANDPA:  What?  What’d I say?

(They repeat what he just said about roasting wieners.)

GRANDPA:  Oh!  I get it!  I guess I made a pretty funny boner, huh?

That young feller was all over the road! I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him!

That young feller was all over the road! I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him!