THANK YOU, LITTLE LEAGUE

From the unpublished autobiography of Flex Malarky, 40, of West Chester, PA:

 

March.  The third month of the year.  One of seven months that has 31 days in it.  The vernal or spring equinox arrives the twenty-first day in the northern hemisphere and with it the swing of bats for millions of Little Leaguers around the world.  Nothing like a fine spring day and watching one’s own son or daughter playing baseball or softball.  My son plays lacrosse in the spring…thank God.

 

My memories of Little League are not fond ones.  I’ll be the first to admit that I was probably the first pre-teen baseball player who had to frequent the proctologist’s office once a month to have splinters removed from my ass…but my parents and I should have seen this coming from that very first day when Coach Ashwell addressed the team…

 

(SCENE:  A blubbery-gutted man wearing the baseball cap of the Tornadoes.  He is standing before a small crowd of parents and their sons who are seated on bleachers beside the baseball field.  He is holding a clipboard and a pen is wedged behind his beefy left ear.)

 

COACH:  Good evening, folks!  Now that the tryouts and draft have been completed, I’d like to welcome you all to the Tornado family!  My name is Burt Ashwell and I’ll be your kid’s coach.  This is my first year coaching so you’ll have to bear with me.  I don’t really know much about coaching or baseball for that matter, but I wanted to coach my son, Kevin, to ensure he’ll be pitching and batting clean-up every game.  Unlike your kids, my son will play every inning of every game.  I’ll make sure he gets on the All-Star team and hopefully gets noticed by the county so that he can participate on that team at the end of our season and ultimately make it to Williamsport where he’ll be assured a college scholarship in a few years.

 

What I’ll be looking to teach your kids this season is that life ain’t fair.  If I don’t like you, your kids will have less playing time.  What I’m asking for is a little ass-kissing and none of this talking-behind-my-back bullshit because ultimately I have the power and you don’t.  Don’t try to live out your miserable lives through the lives of your youth, cause you’ll just be more despondent as he makes ass prints on the bench.

 

Practices will be held twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I’ll hand out schedules for Saturday’s games.  Practices will consist of me spending most of my time with my son and whoever he’s practicing with at the moment.  If your child cannot bat well, I’ll teach him how to get hit by a pitch.  If he starts to play better than my son, I’ll bench him.

 

Here are forms for selling soft pretzels to raise money so that all of the coaches and their sons can afford the trip to Williamsport.  Please take one and pass the rest of them around.

 

Finally, remind your kid to have fun out there unless we’re losing.  I’m not in this to lose.  Vince Lombardi once said something about winning but I’m not sure what it was cause I never read his book, but I loved Lombardi’s attitude.  Yeah, I know he coached football.  But football is a way better sport than baseball and unfortunately my son’s football camp doesn’t start until July so baseball is what we have to deal with now.   

 

Oh yeah…and for the coach’s gift at the end of the season?  You can get me a gift certificate to that ritzy steakhouse in town.  Make sure it’s enough for me and my wife as well as to cover the tip.  Go Tornadoes!!!