Taken from an AP article dated 4/22/05:

 

Japan’s Koizumi apologizes for World War II

Move aimed at defusing growing tensions with China

The Associated Press

Updated: 7:32 a.m. ET April 22, 2005

JAKARTA, Indonesia - Japan’s prime minister expressed “deep remorse” over his country’s World War II aggression against Asian neighbors in a speech Friday at the Asia-Africa summit in Jakarta — a move aimed at defusing Tokyo’s growing tensions with China.

“In the past Japan through its colonial rule and aggression caused tremendous damage and suffering for the people of many countries, particularly those of Asian nations,” Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi said at the opening ceremony of the gathering in Jakarta. “Japan squarely faces these facts of history in a spirit of humility.”

Aiming to defuse tension
Koizumi’s apology did not go beyond what Japanese leaders previously have said, but its delivery at the conference in Indonesia clearly was aimed at ending hostilities with China over Tokyo’s handling of its wartime atrocities and its bid for a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council.

“What we did in the 1930s and during World War II was bad,” Koizumi reiterated.  “I mean…really bad.  From what I’ve read, we killed lots of Chinese when we invaded China and then we killed a whole lot more (Chinese) during World War II.  No wonder China is now angry with us.  Who can blame them?”

“Japan invaded China in 1931,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao shortly after Koizumi’s remarks.  “We’re angry about it now because, quite frankly, we’ve been too busy the last 74 years to deal with this.  With World War II, the Communist Revolution, the Cold War, renaming Peking to Beijing and then waiting for The Sopranos to return…there hasn’t been time to be angry at Japan for their unspeakable atrocities.  Now we have time and BOY OH BOY are we angry!  The nerve of those guys!”

In a related matter, the president of Egypt is apologizing to all Jews around the globe for enslaving the race thousands of years ago.  “What we did was bad,” President Hosni Mubarak admitted Friday.  “We enslaved this peaceful race of people and made them build our pyramids for the minimum wage.  It wasn’t right and we’re sorry.”

Israel’s Prime Minister Ariel Sharon immediately responded.  “As a representative for all Jews, I accept President Mubarak’s apology,” he said from his office in Jerusalem.  “What Egypt did back then was awful and they should apologize.  I’m sure everyone here has seen The Ten Commandments.  Making us make bricks without straw!  How ridiculous!”

“I really want to apologize about the bricks without straw thing,” Mubarak retorted.  “That was really wrong.  That was wrong times ten if you ask me.”

Coincidentally, the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI, jumped on the Apology Bandwagon.  “I’d like to apologize to everyone for the Holy Crusades,” he said from the Sistine Chapel on Friday.  “Talk about a bad PR move.  That was really ill-conceived and I’m sorry.  I’d also like to apologize for the Spanish Inquisition and to all of our priests out there who’d like to marry but can’t because of some age old law that has nothing to do with Jesus.  Sorry!”

“I’d like to apologize for my acting,” supposed actor Ben Affleck added late Friday.  “Somehow I’m able to make a career in front of the camera, and God knows why.  I’m worse than that cardboard stiff Kevin Costner.  Have you seen my flicks?  Just God awful.  I’m sorry.”

“And I’d like to apologize for wheezing and gasping at the end of the Super Bowl,” said Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.  “I finally see it from the fans’ point of view.  Six minutes left in the friggin’ Super Bowl and I’m out of breath!  How pathetic!  Even though what I did wasn’t as bad as Japan’s and Egypt’s atrocities or Ben Affleck’s acting, I still want to apologize.”

“I’d like to apologize to all Americans for selling them worthless crap with my name on it,” revealed Martha Stewart during a quick break from her house arrest.  “I’m sorry I haven’t sold you more worthless crap over the years!”

“I’d like to apologize for my sexual antics in the White House when I was the prez,” apologized Bill Clinton.  “You don’t know how sorry I am that I was caught.”

Finally, the White House released this statement late Friday:  “The United States is very happy to hear Japan, Egypt and the Catholic Church apologize for their past mistakes.  Fortunately, we Americans are perfect and find no need to apologize for anything in our fault-free 229-year history.  Have a great weekend!”