‘Twas a Saturday night,

And I was driving my Chevy truck,

Speeding through some red lights

And just not giving a darn.

 

Had a fight with my woman,

Said some things I’d later regret,

She threw me outta the house

After I kicked in the TV set.

 

Grabbed a six-pack of beer

And downed them as I sped,

Didn’t care where I turned,

Didn’t care where the road led.

 

Figured I’d get stopped by a cop,

Or crash into a tree,

But what happened next

Was almost downright silly.

 

I saw someone cross the street,

Tried to stop but it was too slick,

Felt the bump under my wheels,

Felt sick to my stomach.

 

I darted out of my truck,

Started to laugh cause it was funny,

That someone I had run over?

None other than the Easter Bunny!

 

He was about three feet long,

And dressed in a tailored suit,

Saw the nearby basket of dyed eggs,

I would’ve said he was even cute.

 

But there was a lot of blood,

And a decent amount of smashed eggs,

And I couldn’t help but notice my tire tracks,

Embedded across his legs.

 

“What the darn?” he cried,

“You were going 100, for goodness sakes!

Didn’t you see me in your headlights?

Couldn’t you have slammed on your brakes?!”

 

“Sorry,” I said,

And I did feel pretty bad.

He looked pretty pathetic lying there,

It made me a little sad.

 

I had run over the Easter Bunny,

I couldn’t believe my bad luck,

I couldn’t help but think to myself,

“What the darn?”

 

I thought of all the little children,

Who would have no eggs to hide this Easter,

No jelly beans, no marshmallow chicks,

No coconut eggs to add fat to their keister.

 

The poor little children,

Who would have no chocolate bunnies, I figure,

Or Cadbury eggs, or peanut butter patties,

Or those speckled robin egg thingamajiggers.

 

No hyper children this Easter,

No rotting teeth, not even one cavity,

When a light bulb appeared above my head,

To let the Easter Bunny live would be a travesty!

 

As he tried to crawl off the road,

I said, “Are you happy with what you do?

Hiding kids’ eggs is one thing,

But your days of adding to their obesity are through!”

 

I looked up and down the highway,

No approaching headlights but I had little time,

I had to do what I had to do,

And no witnesses to this horrific crime.

 

I took out my Bowie knife,

The rabbit, horrified, wondered what I would do,

One quick slice, actually had to do it twice,

Figured it would look nice hung by my rearview.

 

The Easter Bunny screamed bloody murder,

He cried, “You are one sick bastard!”

What could I do?  What could I say?

I do these kinds of things when I’m plastered.

 

Then I hopped back in my truck,

And sped back and forth over the Easter Bunny,

The corners of my mouth crept upward into a smile,

I couldn’t help but laugh cause it was funny!

 

I did feel like a hero,

Saving our children from obesity and teeth rot,

I imagined millions of parents thanking me

For saving the health of their tot.

 

But as I drove home I began to think,

What if what I did was a shame?

What if it’s the parents’ fault kids today are a mess?

What if the parents are to blame?

 

I shrugged as I downed another beer,

And sped through another red light in my truck,

I looked at my new bloody good luck charm (still warm),

And just thought to myself, “What the darn?”

 

 

HAPPY EASTER!

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