An eye doctor was performing a complete physical on Mr. Jones, including the visual acuity test.  He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.”  Mr. Jones read the 20/20 line perfectly.  “Now your left.”  Again, a flawless read.  “Now both,” the eye doc requested.  There was silence.  He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.  The doctor turned and discovered that Mr. Jones had done exactly what he had asked; he was standing there with both eyes covered.

 

A husband and wife are sitting in the office of their sex therapist.  “What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asks.

“My husband’s orgasms don’t last long at all,” the wife complained.  “Two…three seconds tops.  It’s such a turn-off for me.”

The therapist turned to the husband and asked, “So, would you like to discuss your shortcomings?”

 

A doctor walks into his patient’s room.  “Good afternoon,” says the doctor. 

“Hey, doc,” says the patient. 

“Let me ask you,” says the doctor.  “Did the nurse take your temperature?”

“Why?” asks the patient.  “Is it missing?”

 

“So, Mr. Smith,” asks the therapist, “would you like to tell me why you’re here today?”

“Sure,” said Mr. Smith.  “My wife here thinks I’m nuts!  Can you imagine?”

The therapist looks at the empty chair beside Mr. Smith and says, “It’s only you and I here, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith points his thumb at the empty chair, leans forward and whispers, “The crazy bitch thinks she’s invisible!”

 

Glenn Beck runs into his eye doctor’s office.  “Doc!” he cries.  “I can’t see!  I’m blind!  Ya gotta help me!”

“There’s nothing I can do for you, Mr. Beck,” says the eye doc.  “But I am going to recommend a proctologist for you.”

“A proctologist??” Glenn Beck cries.  “But I’m blind!”

“The reason why you can’t see,” says the eye doc, “is because your head is wedged up your ass!”

 

Mr. Johnson is sitting in the waiting room of the ER when the doctor walks through the door.  “Mr. Johnson,” he says with a somber look on his face.  “I have some bad news.  Your wife has died.”

Mr. Johnson looks confused.  “She died?” he said.  “From a splinter???”

The doctor sat beside him.  “Yes,” he said.  “Apparently, she had developed an allergy to wood.”

“Ah ha!” cried Mr. Johnson as he grabbed his crotch.  “So now I know why she never wanted to have sex!”