A doctor greets a woman in his waiting room.  “I have some bad news and some good news,” said the doctor.  “The bad news is…you only have six months to live.”

“Oh my God!” screamed the woman.  “What on earth could possibly be the good news??”

“I tend to lie a lot,” admitted the doctor.

“Thank goodness!” sighed the woman.  “So what you’re saying is…you lied when you told me I only have six months to live?”

“Yes,” said the doctor.  “Actually, you only have one month.”

 

 

Mr. Smith is sitting in his psychologist’s office.  The psychologist says, “Mr. Smith, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are indeed a paranoid schizophrenic.”

“What’s that supposed to be mean?” asked Mr. Smith. 

“You have two distinct personalities,” said the psychologist.  “One known as Mr. Smith and one known as Mr. Brown.  It’ll take at least 25 sessions at $100 each to cure you of this problem.  You can write out a check to me for $2,500, and I’ll see you next Tuesday.”

Mr. Smith stood and put on his coat to leave.

“Where are you going?” asked the psychologist.

“Send the bill to Mr. Brown,” said Mr. Smith.  “He’s the one with the money.”

 

 

A doctor greets a man in the waiting room of his practice in San Antonio.  “It appears as if your grandfather has Alzheimer’s Disease,” said the doctor. 

“How can you tell?” asked the man.

The doctor rubbed his chin as he replied softly, “He can’t even remember the Alamo.”

 

 

A doctor greets a wife and her sick husband in the waiting room.  “I have some good news and some bad news,” said the doctor.

“What is it, doc?” asked the worried wife.  “How bad is it?”

“The good news is,” said the doctor, “your husband is not going to die.”

“Oh,” said the wife.  “What’s the bad news?”

“According to my tests,” said the doctor as he looked over his charts.  “He’s already dead.”

“Oh,” said the wife.  “So what’s the bad news?”

 

 

A forgetful doctor tells his male patient to disrobe.  “From what I recall,” says the doctor, “you’re here for a hernia checkup, correct?”  The man nods and disrobes.  The doctor gets on his knees in front of him.  “Turn your head and cough,” says the doctor as he grips the patient’s manly jewels.  The man turns his head and coughs.  “Again,” instructs the doctor.  The man does as he is told.  “Again,” instructs the thorough medical man.

This goes on for ten minutes when the patient says, “Something wrong with me, doc?”

The doctor looks up from the patient’s groin. “I’ll say!” he cries.  “Every time I grab your balls you seem to get a twitch in your neck and cough!”