From the e-mail of Len Siren, 33, computer programmer of Fruitdish, TN, to his family and friends:

From: Len

To: Family/Friends

Subject: Baby Update

 

Another frustrating day with Jupiter.  Stacy went out shopping so I was left alone with the little one.  I still can’t believe he’s already 2-years-old.  Seems like only yesterday when Stacy and I were exchanging vowels.  I still wear the “O” she gave me as a necklace.  I rarely wear the “A” but sometimes the “Y”.

 

So I was feeding Jupiter breakfast and I thought I’d try to work on his speech again.  He was just beginning to sound out certain letters and easy words…but I wanted to make sure my son didn’t adopt some early bad habits.

 

“What are you eating?” I asked my little guy.

“Hand tates,” he replied.

“Pancakes,” I corrected him.

“Hand tates.”

 

I thought I’d try another word.  “What did we eat for dinner last night, Jupiter?  Do you remember?”

“Glabth!”

“We ate spaghetti,” I said.  “Can you say spaghetti?”

“Bus getty!”

“Spaghetti.”

“Bus getty!”

 

I saw we were getting nowhere.  If anything, I felt that Jupiter had regressed since our last session last weekend.  “Jupiter,” I said, “Can you say ‘Heimlich maneuver’?”

“Heineken remover.”

“What about ‘ostensibly’?”

“Ostensively.”

Hmmm, this is worse than I thought.  “How about ‘Six thick thistle sticks?  Six thick thistles stick.”

“Six sick thistle thicks.  Six sick thistles stick.”

“Thick, not sick!”

“Thick, not sick!” he cried as he flung a pancake onto the floor.

 

“Take for granted,” I said.

“Take for granite,” replied my son.

“Ha!” I cried.  “We do tend to take granite for granted, it is so ubiquitous.  But that, of course, is not the point.”

“Ubiquitous,” said he.

“Pernickety.”

“Persnickety,” said Jupiter.

“Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently,” said I.

“Vincent vehemently vowed vengeance,” said Jupiter.  “Very.”

“No, no NO!” I cried.  “This is ALL wrong!  Let me hear you say ‘Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe’.”

“Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.”

“GOO-tuh, not GARE-tuh!” I cried.  “True, we Americans do tend to overemphasize the umlaut to an R when it isn’t as harsh as that.  But come ON!”

“Come on!” cried Jupiter.

 

“No more Hop On Pop or Goodnight Moon for you,” I said.  “We’re going to spend more time with our head in the middle of a serious book…without pictures…do you hear me?”

 

“Vows,” said Jupiter.

“What?”

“Vows,” he said.  “You and Mommy exchanged vows, not vowels, ya two-legged jackath.”

 

“That’s jackass,” I corrected him.  “Daddy is a two-legged jackass!”

 

Oh great!  Now he has a lisp!