From the e-mail of Len Siren, 31, computer programmer of Fruitdish, TN, to his family and friends:

From: Len

To: Family/Friends

Subject: Baby Update

So the Sirens went to the state fair this past weekend in Nashville.  We were walking around, minding our own damn business when Jupiter pointed to the Merry-Go-Round and cried with glee.  “You wanna go on the carousel, son?” I asked.  Jupiter nodded and clapped his chubby hands.  Stacy said she’d watch and take a picture or two.

I handed some college dropout two tickets and we made our way onto the platform of the Merry-Go-Round.  Jupiter giggled and pointed to the bright lights.  He was loving life, goddammit.  I strapped the lad onto a majestic, black horse.  “Hold onto the pole, son,” I instructed.  Jupiter unzipped his shorts and whipped out his lightning rod, both hands cupped around that puppy!  “Not YOUR pole, son!” I yelled.  “The one for the horse!”

The 19th century evil carnival music began, and the carousel began to spin.  Jupiter laughed as he hopped up and down in his seat.  We spun by Stacy who took a picture of her two boys.  Just then, the college dropout spun around the brass ring holder.  All of the children sitting on the outer horses reached up and grabbed a brass ring as they sped by.  I grabbed one and proceeded to hand it to Jupiter.  “Here’s a brass ring for ya, boy,” I said.  “If we collect the most, we win a free ride.”  Jupiter took the friggin’ ring and threw it to the ground!  “Why, you little…” I muttered as I bent down to pick it up.  When I stood up again, Jupiter was gone!

“For the love of…” I groaned.  The lad had vanished.  Oh well.  I’d have to explain this to Stacy.  She’d be upset at first, but we could always start trying again…maybe get a puppy in the meantime…and SUDDENLY, I saw him!  He was three horses ahead of me, knocking a poor girl off her horse!  Jupiter had been sitting on an “inney” horse.  The little bastard wanted an “outey”!  Like some demented horror flick, the little girl plummeted off the horse and carousel with a scream that quickly faded as we spun away.  Jupiter stood on his horse.  “Jupiter!” I cried.  “What in God’s name…??”  I rushed after him, but to no avail.  Jupiter had one hand on his horse’s pole and with his right hand he reached up for the brass ring holder…

KAWAMMM!!!  The entire carousel came to a screeching halt.  I was thrown backwards on my ass and put up my arms just in time to protect my ribs from a 300 lb. woman wearing tight sweatpants.  After she rolled off me I looked up to see what had happened.  Jupiter was holding onto his horsey with one hand and the ENTIRE brass ring holder with the other.  Black smoke was pouring out of the carousel engine.  A couple dozen kids and parents were picking themselves up off the floor, groaning while tending to their wounds.

“Son,” I said, “I admire your fervor to win a free ride…but this is ridiculous!”

Needless to say, we skipped the Ferris Wheel.