#43-That Annoying Co-Worker Who Thinks She’s the Only Family That Gets Sick in the Winter And Thinks We All Need a Friggin’ Play-By-Play While She’s Spreading the Germs in the Office Instead of Being Home Where She Belongs!!!  And As a Double Whammy, She Says “Influenza” instead of “Flu” as if it’s 1918 or Something!!!


From the surveillance tapes in the HR Dept. at Homewood Pharmaceuticals in Newport News, VA:

 

2/28/08

NAOMI TURNER:  Good morning, everybody!  How’s everyone doing today?  (Grumbles and groans from her co-workers.) 

NAOMI:  I have Girl Scout Cookies today!  Who’d like to buy a box?  This is little Cindy’s first year as a Girl Scout!  Actually, she’s a Brownie.  She was a Daisy last year.  She’s so cute.  Just yesterday she snuggled up with me and said, “Mommy, I love you!” which was kind of funny because she never says that and so I felt her forehead and it turns out she had a fever!  Can you believe it?  So I put her to bed even though it was only 6:00 because I certainly don’t want her coming down with influenza or bronchitis or God forbid pneumonia.

 

2/29/08

NAOMI:  Good morning, everybody!  I hope everyone here is doing a lot better than me, hee, hee!  (Grumbles and groans from her co-workers.)  Cindy had to stay home from school today because she couldn’t lick the fever and Doug and I both think she has bronchitis so Doug is watching her this morning and I’m leaving early to take her to the doctor’s.  Gosh, I really hope it’s not influenza or bronchitis or pneumonia because Cindy loves school and it’ll break her heart to have to miss a week let alone one day!  She’s so precious the way she draws and have I shown you her latest artwork?  Is my little Cindy a prodigy or what?  As well as she draws it’s nothing compared to Brett who is such a little Van Gogh!  So far so good for my little boy!  Doesn’t look like he’s caught whatever Cindy has.  Who’d like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?

 

3/3/08

NAOMI:  Good morning, everybody.  (Grumbles and groans from her co-workers.)  What a horrible weekend.  Turns out little Cindy has pneumonia, Brett is now coughing 24/7 and Doug even has a touch of influenza.  I’m exhausted!  Fortunately, I’m not sick which is a good thing because the rest of my family is sick and they need me so much.  I still have 17 boxes of Thin Mints if anyone is interested and I’ll email all of you my daughter’s gymnastics schedule and Brett’s YMCA basketball schedule if you’d like to attend one of their meets or games.  I really hope they both get over this sickness or else they’ll miss their practices which would really hurt their teams because they are the best athletes on their teams!  Doug and I are thinking scholarship for both of them!  They do give out scholarships for gymnastics, don’t they?  If not, they should because Cindy is the best I have ever seen.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m her mother.  Everyone tells me that all the time.

 

3/5/08

NAOMI:  Good morning, everybody.  (Grumbles and groans from her co-workers.)  Sorry for being out yesterday but I was soooo sick!  Cindy and Brett are better now, thanks goodness but Doug still has a touch of influenza.  I hope he gets better soon because we need to do our tax returns which I’m hoping *SNEEZE!* we’ll get a good refund but we’ll probably owe due to the situation we have with our daycare have I told you about that?  We love our *COUGH!* daycare but we can’t write it off because *SNEEZE!* I didn’t mean to sneeze on you like that.  My doctor says I’m not contagious anymore and that I am allowed to go back to work on Thursday when I’m not contagious anymore.  What’s that?  Today is Wednesday?  Oh, dear.  I’m still contagious.  I might have bronchitis or *COUGH!* pneumonia or a touch of influenza like Doug who is still home sick after he spent so much time taking care of the kids while they were sick.  I guess I really should leave *COUGH!* so that I don’t get you all sick.  You really don’t want to catch what I have.  It doesn’t matter if it’s bronchitis, pneumonia or a touch of influenza…it’s all really bad no matter what you get.  So yes, I should leave now *COUGH!* *COUGH!* so that none of you catch what I have.  Oh my gosh, did you see that?  It looks like Slime!  Remember that toy?  I had Glow in the Dark Slime.  That and Silly Putty.  *SNEEZE!* *SNEEZE!*  But I’ll just work from home and I’ll come back in tomorrow when my doctor says I’m better and non-contagious *SNEEZE!* *SNEEZE!* because the last thing you all want is to have bronchitis, pneumonia or a touch of influenza and…

 

(At this point the surveillance tape ends abruptly.  The mass for Naomi Turner’s funeral is being held on Saturday the 8th.  It will be a closed casket.)