President Obama has successfully closed Guantanamo Bay.  Rather than move the terrorist prisoners to another offshore detention center, he has decided to have them dispersed throughout the United States figuring having to live like an American in this economy is more torturous than waterboarding!  Join in on the hilarity each week on NBC as an ex-Guantanamo terrorist detainee moves into Main Street, U.S.A.!  This week’s episode:  “Jabir Goes On a Double Date”

 

(SCENE: The Landmark Americana restaurant somewhere in Main Street, U.S.A.  We see DEBBIE JOHNSON and her husband TIM sitting at a table.  They are dressed in conservative fashion.  The same with their neighbor, CAROL, who sits opposite DEBBIE.  Next to CAROL is JABIR ABDUL-AZIM, dressed in Middle Eastern attire with ammunition belts draped criss-cross over his chest.  He is smoking a short, thick cigar and is holding a machine gun.  To hide his previous identity as a terrorist, JABIR does not use his real name but rather the alias “Al Kaida.”)

 

DEBBIE:  What a great restaurant!  Good choice, Carol.  Have you ever been here before, Al?

JABIR:  I once blew up an establishment such as this in Istanbul.  The special that evening was finger foods.  (Laugh track heard here.)

CAROL:  Tell me about yourself, Al.  What do you do for a living?

JABIR:  I fight for Jihad!  America is my sworn enemy!  Er…uh…what I meant was…I write sympathy cards for Hallmark.  (Laugh track heard here.)

CAROL:  Really?  That’s so sweet.  Could you share with me one of your cards?

JABIR:  Uh…let me think…I believe one of the cards I wrote went something like this…ahem!  “American swine!  You treacherous infidel!  God-less creature!  May you burn in hell!”  Part of our Valentine’s Day catalogue.  (Laugh track heard here.)

CAROL:  You didn’t strike me as a sensitive man when I first met you, Al.  Especially the way you gunned down that helpless cat.

JABIR:  My neighbor wanted the cat out of the tree.  She did not specify that the god-less creature needed to remain alive.  (Laugh track heard here.)

TIM:  So, Al.  You like sports?

JABIR:  I like to kill things.  Preferably human.  Specifically American.  (Laugh track heard here.)

CAROL:  You are so funny!

JABIR:  I am growing to like this soft-bellied country of yours.  Perhaps I will not kill any of you…tonight.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  I thought you had told me you were from Alabama?

JABIR:  You consider Alabama part of this country?  (All four laugh.)

(The WAITRESS arrives with their salads and places them before the four.)

JABIR:  Excuse me?  Excuse me, female infidel?  I ordered baby greens.

WAITRESS:  Those are baby greens, sir.

JABIR:  If these are baby greens, then I am an AIG Executive accepting a hundred thousand dollar bonus for helping run my company into the ground.  (Laugh track heard here.)  Please…in the name of Allah…return this unholy assemblage of weeds and bring me some baby greens. 

WAITRESS:  I’m sorry, sir.  But these are baby greens.

(JABIR stands and opens fire on the salad plate.  Everyone screams and ducks.)

JABIR:  Now these are weeds riddled with bullets!  Please detain this mess for the ex-detainee or I will detonate this highly toxic blasting agent strapped to my back!  (Everyone looks at JABIR and freezes in horror.)  Er…what I meant was…please bring me the baby greens or I will speak in the harshest terms to your manager.  (Laugh track heard here.)

WAITRESS (shaken up):  As you wish… (She exits.  CAROL, DEBBIE and TIM slowly lift themselves and sit on their chairs.)

JABIR:  So…perhaps after dinner we can go back to my place and play some Catch Phrase?

 

(JABIR tilts his head back and laughs.  He then screams “Al-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!” and opens fire on the ceiling.  CAROL, DEBBIE and TIM all once again hit the floor.  Laugh track and applause heard here.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.) 

Here is what baby greens should look like!

Here is what baby greens should look like!