MUST SEE THURSDAY returns to NBC this spring with the new sitcom, Meet the Kaidas!  The premise for this soon-to-be Emmy nominated hit is that President Obama has successfully closed Guantanamo Bay.  Rather than move the terrorist prisoners to another offshore prison, he has decided to have them dispersed throughout the United States—figuring having to live like an American in this economy is more torturous than waterboarding!  Join in on the hilarity each week on NBC as an ex-Guantanamo terrorist detainee moves into Main Street, U.S.A. 

 

(SCENE:  Main Street, U.S.A.  DEBBIE and her daughter PAIGE walk up to the ABDUL-AZIM residence.  It is a typical Colonial.  There is an American flag burning on the front lawn.  PAIGE is dressed in her Girl Scout uniform and is pulling a Radio Flyer wagon filled with boxes of Girl Scout cookies.  DEBBIE rings the doorbell.  JABIR ABDUL-AZIM, dressed in Middle Eastern attire with ammunition belts draped criss-cross over his chest, answers.  He is smoking a short, thick cigar and is holding a machine gun.)

 

DEBBIE:  Good afternoon!

JABIR:  Praise Allah!  Death to the American infidels!  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  Yes, it is a nice day, isn’t it?  Hi, I don’t think we’ve met yet.  My name is Debbie Johnson and this is my daughter, Paige. 

JABIR:  I am Jabir Abdul-Az…er…I am Al.

DEBBIE:  Al?

JABIR:  Yes.  Uh…Al Kaida.  With a K.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  Welcome to the neighborhood, Mr. Kaida.  Where are you from?

JABIR:  Uh…I am from Afghana…

DEBBIE:  Where?

JABIR:  Er…Alabama.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  That’s nice.  I can see you spent a lot of time in the sun there.  You have a nice tan.

JABIR:  True.  I did spend quite a bit of my time these last few years by the water.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  Do you have a wife?  Any kids?

JABIR:  My wife and children sacrificed themselves in the name of Allah back in the Holy Land.  Praise Allah!

PAIGE:  Are you a magician?

JABIR:  Why would you ask that, infidel?

PAIGE:  You keep saying ‘Allah’.  Is that short for ‘Abracadabra Allah-kazam?’  (Laugh track heard here.)

JABIR:  Yes, you may call me a magician.  Soon, I will make this neighborhood disappear in a cloud of smoke.  (Laugh track heard here.)

PAIGE (claps her hands):  That would be nifty.  I love magic tricks.

JABIR:  And you will be able to thank your president for that trick.  To think, in a time of war, that we terrorist prisoners have been set free!  You Americans are soft and weak.  Soon, victory shall be ours as your god-less country lies in ruin!

DEBBIE:  Well, Mr. Kaida.  We’re here to see if you’d like to buy some Girl Scout cookies.  (Laugh track heard here.)  But while I’m here, I’d like to invite you to our monthly neighborhood happy hours.  I have the sign-up sheet right here.  The next few months are taken, but if you’d like to maybe host in the May-June timeframe?

JABIR:  I will take the second Friday in May if you can answer me this question…

DEBBIE:  Shoot, Mr. Kaida.

JABIR:  Don’t tempt me.  (Laugh track heard here.)  Where can I find some uranium around here?

PAIGE:  Uranium is the planet next to Neptune.  I learned that in my public school.  (Laugh track heard here.) 

JABIR:  I am so pleased that you Americans have such short-term memories.  9/11 means nothing to you anymore, huh?

DEBBIE:  Sure it does!  That’s the neighborhood block party!  (Laugh track heard here.)  Would you like to make a dip?

 

(All three laugh.  JABIR holds up his machine gun and fires it in the air, screaming “Al-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!”  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)