Presented by Professor Lex E. Con of Fruitdish University in Fruitdish, TN.  Professor Con teaches various English and History courses at the university.  When he’s not teaching, Professor Con likes to play “King of the Mountain” in his backyard in a pile of dirty laundry he has accumulated over the last semester.  The professor plays the game by himself so that he always wins.

 

Today’s lecture:  The origin of “Asshole”

 

Contrary to popular belief, the colorful term “asshole” was not founded during the early twentieth century when Dr. Freud famously declared, “Carl Jung stole my notes on Analytical Psychology and is now taking credit for the founding of it!  He is such an asshole!”  Rather, the term was founded hundreds of thousands of years ago in the Garden of Eden of all places.  When the diaries of Adam and Eve were discovered in 2003, we learned exactly how the term “asshole” came to be.  Let’s read from Eve’s diary from her very first month with Adam:

 

July 12, 657,128 B.C.

I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with this guy Adam.  As I cook and clean, Adam continues to play his new favorite game.  “It’s called ‘Switch’,” he said to me yesterday as he showed me something he called a whistle.  “You stick one thumb in your mouth and your other thumb up your ass, and when I blow the whistle, you switch.”

 

“That sounds like a stupid game,” I said.

 

“You sound like a…….stupid……..game,” was his fumbled comeback.  His eyes were sort of glazed over and it looked like he was staring just to the left of me.  This guy is so weird. 

 

“Okay,” he said and he handed me the whistle.  “You blow the whistle.”  I told him I wasn’t interested.  He continued to persist.  He then started to laugh as he tried to hit me with that extra finger of his.  I ran away. 

 

I called out to God and begged Him to beam me up.  “Please, Lord!” I cried out.  “Don’t make me begat with this…this loser!”

 

God’s face appeared through the clouds.  “Now, now, Eve,” He said gently.  “Don’t be so harsh.  Adam is a good man.  Someday, his descendents…both of your descendents…will create important things like fire, penicillin, Facebook and Three’s Company.  Not to mention fantasy football.  Adam would have loved that!”  I sat down and yelped.  Damn pine cones!  God’s soothing voice helped calm me.  “Try relating to Adam,” He said.  “Have you tried playing ‘Switch’ with him?”

 

Adam finally trained one of the monkeys to blow the whistle and the two have been playing for over a day now.  As I watched him switch his thumbs between his mouth and butt, I couldn’t help but think how similar Adam and the asshole have in common:

 

Both smell really bad.

Both have cracked themselves up.

Both make obscene noises.

And both are usually full of shit.

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