“Out of Office” auto replies from various celebrities’ email:

 

OPRAH WINFREY:  I am currently out of the office.  I’m at a photo shoot to take some photos of me, Oprah, for the next cover of my O magazine.  I thought it would be a great idea to have a photo of me, Oprah, on the cover of my own magazine.  Again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And…

 

BRIAN TIERNEY (publisher of the Philadelphia Inquirer):  I am currently out of the office.  You can find me on various street corners in Philadelphia, attempting to sell the Inquirer to passersby.  You can read all of yesterday’s news for only $1…or you can simply go online anytime and read all of the current news for free.  Oh…wait a minute…now I understand why our circulation is plummeting!!  Ha! Ha!  It’s so obvious to me now!!  Ha!  Ha!  Heh…um…why am I typing my laughter on my out of office autoreply?

 

SARAH PALIN:  I am currently out of the office.  And if you worked up here in beautiful Alaska, you’d want to spend as much time outdoors hunting ex-future-sons-in-law…er…elk as possible.  That and visiting your psychologist wondering why you’ve been recently dropped as a keynote speaker at various high-profile Republican fundraisers.  Me in 2012!

 

BILL CLINTON:  I am currently out of the office.  Haven’t been in it for years, actually.  Dude…like, it’s in Harlem, for God’s sakes!  It’s impossible to get white chicks to come up here!

 

STEVE CARELL:  I am currently out of the office and in The Office.

 

ASHTON KUTCHER:  I am currently out of the office, doing my best to attract 1 million followers on Twitter before CNN does.  This will make me even more popular!  I have so many followers because I, Ashton Kutcher, have so much to say!  So many important things about…uh…um…uhhhhh…..and to talk about my latest…uh…my latest…um…wait…it’ll come to me…

 

TOM CRUISE:  I am currently out of the office.  Just had lunch with Spielberg.  He said he’s considering doing a remake of The Wizard of Oz.  “You’d be the head Munchkin, Tom,” Steven said to me.  “And they’ll be much much taller in this remake.  And less gay.  Especially with you in the role.”  I think I’ll take the part!  I walked downstairs into the dungeon and told Katie.  She said she would’ve clapped for me if it wasn’t for the clamps.

 

BARACK OBAMA:  I am currently out of the Oval Office.  Touring the country letting you Americans know that this recession is nearly over!  If you still don’t have a job or can’t pay your mortgage, check out our latest pictures of Bo, our new dog!  He’s so cute!  Bo will help you forget that your government cares more about corrupt American corporations than you; the honest, hard-working, tax-paying American citizen. 

 

KEITH OLBERMANN:  I am currently out of the office.  You can find me 100% behind President Obama…………….…kissing his behind.

 

WOLF BLITZER:  See Keith Olbermann’s Out of Office AutoReply.

 

BILL MAHER:  Ditto.  I love you, Mr. President.  And I just bought a case of Chapstick.  Call me.