JOHN BOY WOULD BE SO PROUD!

From the White House on 8/9/10:

(We see PRESIDENT OBAMA standing behind the podium in the White House East Room, in the midst of a press conference.)

 

OBAMA:  …which is why I must stress that our troops will be home in 2011.

HELEN THOMAS:  Excuse me?

OBAMA:  Yes?

HELEN THOMAS:  What does that mean?

OBAMA:  What does what mean?

HELEN THOMAS:  What you just said?  You walked up to the podium and said, “Which is why I must stress that our troops will be home in 2011.”  No one even asked you a question yet.

OBAMA:  Oh.  I thought we were “in the midst of a press conference.”  Sorry.  My bad.  Let’s start over.  Who has a question?

KEITH OLBERMANN:  How come you’re not returning my calls, Mr. President?  I miss you.

OBAMA:  Who let this guy in here?

OLBERMANN:  It’s only fair, Mr. President!  We need to offset the obnoxious conservative slant by Fox News.

OBAMA:  What if I told you I found MSNBC to be just as obnoxious from the left?

OLBERMANN:  I’d say you didn’t really mean that.

(There is a long, uncomfortable pause.)

OBAMA:  You’re right!  I didn’t mean it!  (OBAMA, OLBERMANN and everyone in the room, except members of Fox News, laughs.)

BRIT HUME:  Mr. President? 

OBAMA:  Yes, Jim Bob?  (Everyone in the room cracks the hell up.)

BRIT HUME:  C’mon, Mr. President.  That was not me.  That was an actor named David Harper.

OBAMA:  Say goodnight, John Boy!  (Everyone in the room snickers.)

BRIT HUME:  I’ve told you time and time again, Mr. President, I was not in The Waltons.

OBAMA (said very quickly):  FoxNewssucks!!!

BRIT HUME:  Excuse me?

OBAMA (looking all around):  What?  Did you hear something?

BRIT HUME:  Mr. President…now that you have been in the office for over 18 months, how would you say you’re doing?

OBAMA:  Well…I will say the Bush Administration is responsible for our job losses, our debt, our spending and our economic malaise.

BRIT HUME:  And what has the Obama Administration been responsible for?

OBAMA:  My economic stimulus has created millions of jobs!

BRIT HUME:  Fantastic.  And it only cost a trillion dollars to lower the unemployment rate from 10% to 9.8%.  And thousands of companies are still outsourcing jobs to Asia.  What happened to tax benefits for those companies who keep the jobs in America?  And penalties for those companies who continue to outsource?

OBAMA:  Well…I was busy appointing the first Latina to the Supreme Court!

BRIT HUME:  Why the need to point out her race?  Are you saying you only nominated her because she wasn’t white, black or Asian?

OBAMA:  I…uh…got my health care reform passed!

BRIT HUME:  And what non-biased studies have shown that that will be a good thing for this country?

OBAMA:  There’s the success of the Iraq surge.

BRIT HUME:  Which…you, uh…voted against.

OBAMA:  Which I voted against.  Whatever!  Could someone please escort Jim Bob out of here?

BRIT HUME:  Mr. President!

OBAMA:  Goodnight, Jim Bob!  (Everyone laughs as Secret Service escorts BRIT HUME out of the room.)

OLBERMANN:  Fox News sucks!

OBAMA:  Seriously!  Fox News is barred from any future press conferences of mine!  Now then, who wants to kiss my ass first?

(WOLF BLITZER, GLORIA BORGER, CHRIS MATTHEWS, RACHEL MADDOW and others jump to their feet and raise their hands like school kids.  OLBERMANN, as usual, is the loudest.)

OLBERMANN:  Give me another chance, Mr. President!  I just bought an entire case of Chapstick!  Please let me kiss it again!!!