For the 300th issue of Seek Therapy, God Himself sat down for an interview with our favorite unpublished author, Flex Malarky, in his house in West Chester, PA, on the evening of 4/26/10.

 

FLEX:  Thanks for coming, God.  The folks at Seek Therapy appreciate You taking the time to give us an exclusive interview.

GOD:  No problem.  Nice living room.  New piano?

FLEX:  Yeah.  Got it from someone off of Craig’s List.  But I’m sure You already knew that, being omnipresent and all.

GOD:  Yeah, uh…right.  I did know that.  I was…uh… testing you.  Yeah.  You got any beer around here, Frank?

FLEX:  It’s Flex.

GOD:  I knew that.

FLEX:  Should I call you “God” or “Jesus” or “M’Lord” or “Yahweh”?

GOD:  My friends call me “Big Guy.”  They were never into that “Yahweh” thing.  I was like, ‘Call me Yahweh’ and they were like, ‘No way, Yahweh!’ and we’d laugh.  Dude, you had to be there.  Anyhoo, call me God. 

FLEX:  The dozen or so readers of Seek Therapy submitted a few questions we’d like to ask You.

GOD:  Shoot.  But…do not shoot to kill.  Thou shalt not kill…unless thou art a stand-up comic.  Thou would then killeth thy audience with thy jokes.

FLEX:  Good to know.  First question…do You know how the show Lost is going to end?

GOD:  Yes.  Yes, I do.

FLEX:  Can You share the ending with us?

GOD:  Susan and Will finally become friends and combine their talents so that the group wins regionals and even state.  It’s a happy ending for everybody.

FLEX:  That’s Glee. 

GOD:  I knew that.

FLEX:  What about Lost?

GOD:  I gave up on that show last season.  All of that stupid time traveling.  They lost me.  Ha!  Get it?  And people say I have no sense of humor!  By the way, is it me or has 24 jumped the shark big time?

FLEX:  Yeah, it really hasn’t been very good the last couple years.

GOD:  And what’s with Kiefer Sutherland?  The dude mumbles!  I know I’m God and everything, but I can’t understand a Me-damn word he says!  Speak up, Jack!

FLEX:  Let’s move on to the next question.  Do You find it amusing that a group of people here on Earth have turned a pulp novel from the 1950s into a silly religion?

GOD:  The Bible was written way before the 1950s.

FLEX:  I’m talking about Scientology.

GOD:  Oh, right!  Riiiiight!  Scientology.  I knew that.  Folks like Tom Cruise and John Travolta worshipping Klingons in outer space.  Pay your way to your own enlightenment.  Sign me up for that!

FLEX:  Is there life after death?

GOD:  When the hell was the last time either one of those two guys even put out a good movie?

FLEX:  We’re running out of time here, God.  Is there life after death?  Is there Heaven and Hell?

GOD:  I’m sorry, what did you say?  I just got a text from Buddha.  He’s hosting poker night tonight.  I have to bring “something munchy.”

FLEX:  Why do bad things happen to good people?

GOD:  You ever play Texas Hold ‘Em with Buddha?  Dude’s a cheater.  Now Moses…that guy can play.

FLEX:  Some quick final questions…Can You please explain Your own existence?  To what level do You influence the daily workings of the universe?  Is gender an aspect of divinity?  Are You a He or She, neither of the above, or a combination?  How much of what we do is already written and how much can we control with our own free will and actions?

GOD:  Ben.

FLEX:  What?

GOD:  Ben replaces Jacob on the island in Lost.  But Jacob first had to break Ben of his pride and purge him of his sin…not to mention protect him from the Man In Black’s assassination plot.

FLEX:  I thought You said You didn’t watch Lost anymore?

GOD:  Meh.  So I lied.  Who’s going to know?  No one reads this stupid blog anyway!

(And with that answer, God stood, flipped His brilliant white hair out of His eyes, put on His Armani sunglasses and walked outside into the brisk night and drove off in His 2010 Audi A8.  A fitting end to a “very special” Seek Therapy.)

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