AND THE LORD SAID: NO BEER ON THURSDAYS!

(SCENE:  We see ETHEL JENKINS, a lovely 80-some woman, standing before ST. PETER at the Pearly Gates.  Yes, Ethel is very much recently deceased.)

 

PETER:  Next!

ETHEL:  Hello.  My goodness!  Am I…dead?  Is this Heaven?

PETER:  I’m afraid you are dead, Ethel Jenkins.  But you should not be afraid; for I have your Life File right here with me and it looks like you have led a good Catholic life, Ethel.  Let’s have a quick review and then your soul shall be admitted to Heaven for all of eternity.

ETHEL:  That would be wonderful!

PETER:  Says here you were born on April 23, 1924.  You went to St. Mary’s Elementary School, and Sts. Simon & Peter High School…both in New York.

ETHEL:  I loved Catholic School.  It’s where I learned how much better the public school was across the street.

PETER:  You married Henry Jenkins in 1945 when he returned home from World War II.  You had three children who also attended Catholic school.

ETHEL:  I figured, “Why should I be the only one to have had so much fun?”

PETER:  You have seven grandchildren.  You were a loving wife, mother and grandmother.  You spent your life helping out various charities, feeding the poor on holidays and weekends, sacrificing much of your time to your local parish. 

ETHEL:  I tried my best to lead a good, decent life.

PETER:  Hmmm…this isn’t good.  Oh my, look at this.

ETHEL:  What is it?  What’s wrong?

PETER:  Ethel… you have led an admirable life, but I’m afraid we can’t let you in.

ETHEL:  Why not?

PETER:  I didn’t realize that you ate meat on Fridays during Lent.  17 times!

ETHEL:  So?

PETER:  That’s a no-no, Ethel.  No meat on Fridays during Lent.  You obviously have an issue following the rules.  We can’t have that kind of rebelliousness here in Heaven.  It’s why Lucifer was kicked out in the first place!

ETHEL:  Because he ate meat on a Friday during Lent?

PETER:  He also refused to pay his bar tab.  Remember that year you gave up candy for Lent?  Here’s a photo of you hiding a box of Milk Duds in your night stand!  And what’s this?  Remember when you went to confession when you were 8-years-old when Father Sherlock gave you a penance of 10 Our Father’s and 10 Hail Mary’s?  You only said seven of each!  Seven!  And on November 6, 1955, you ate a jelly donut within one hour of receiving Holy Communion!  Sorry, Ethel.  Follow me, please.  I’ll take you to the escalator going down.

ETHEL:  Oh, like everyone here always followed rules?  Like Jesus followed the rules when he turned that water into wine at that wedding?  What was that all about?

PETER:  We were out of wine.  It was a Sunday.  The state stores were closed!

ETHEL:  So much for faith, huh?  I guess everyone at that wedding became believers because Jesus decided to pull a David Copperfield! 

PETER:  Actually, I think most became alcoholics. 

ETHEL:  Or what happened when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead?  That was following the rules?  Or when He went berserk in the temple?

PETER:  Yeah, that was a bad day.  But He was trying to prove a point…oh, hey Jesus!  How are ya, buddy?

JESUS:  Not bad, Pete!  Just finished my morning spin class and thought I’d stop by the admissions booth.

ETHEL:  Wow!  You’re Jesus?  You’re a lot shorter than I thought you’d be.

JESUS:  The average height 2,000 years ago was only five feet.  What can I tell ya?

ETHEL:  Didn’t picture you as a blonde, either.  Nice hair.

JESUS:  That’s just from being closer to the sun for the last two millenniums.  And……….maybe a little Sun-In.  (All three laugh.)  Seriously, Ethel, you will be missed on Earth.  Heaven is very happy to have you here.

PETER:  But she broke so many rules, m’Lord!

JESUS:  What rules?  No meat on Fridays during Lent?  Not eating within one hour of receiving Holy Communion?  You gonna tell me she didn’t get churched after the birth of one of her kids?  Tell me when I actually took the time to come up with that crap?  I believe I was busy trying to teach mankind to treat one another with kindness and respect…which is exactly how Ethel Jenkins here led her life! 

ETHEL:  Thank you.

JESUS:  You’re welcome.  C’mon in.  (He opens the Pearly Gates.  As Ethel walks in, JESUS hands her something.) 

ETHEL:  What’s this?

JESUS (whispers):  A never-ending box of Milk Duds.  Shhh…it’s our little secret…