Excerpt from Father Joe Cockiavalli’s upcoming book, For the Love of God, due out in June from Cowlick Publishing House.  The book finds the author, a popular Catholic priest from the Sts. Simon & Garfunkel parish in East Jibip, GA, roaming the USA  answering questions from children regarding God:

 

Wendy Lockjaw, age 6, Phoenix, AZ:  What does God look like?

FATHER JOE:  No one knows, Wendy, but rumor has it He has long white hair and a white beard.

Wendy: So God looks like Santa Claus?

FATHER JOE: Sort of.  Except I heard God has 7% body fat at the most.  He’s got ripped abs while Santa has an eating disorder.

 

Jake Donovan, age 5, West Chester, PA:  Why do we go to church every Sunday?

FATHER JOE:  Your parents take you to church every Sunday because they’re closer to death and believe that by going to church God will look favorably upon them and will let them in heaven when they die.  This is a flawed belief.  What parents should realize is that the only way they will get to heaven is by going to church every Sunday and making sure they drop 10% of their weekly income into the money baskets each week.  You know what it costs to maintain the Pearly Gates, kid?

 

Molly Wormwort, age 5, Louisville, KY:  When I flush my goldfish down the toilet, where does he go?

FATHER JOE:  When your goldfish died, he went to heaven.  If he was a good goldfish, that is.

Molly:  Then does my poopy go to heaven?  Cause I flush that down the toilet, too.

FATHER JOE:  If it was a good poopy, it’ll go to heaven as well.

 

Billy Nichols, age 7, Tacoma, WA:  Did God really create the world in six days?

FATHER JOE: Yes.  Back then, contractors were much more reliable and you didn’t have to wait for building permits.

 

Katy Mecum, age 6, Lincoln, NE:  Does God live down the street from Allah?

FATHER JOE: Yes, and around the corner from Buddha and Mohammed.  It’s God’s turn to plan the block party this year.

 

Caleb O’Malley, age 8, Boston, MA:  If God loves us so much, why does he allow so much senseless death and destruction?

FATHER JOE:  Are you familiar with April 15th?  God needs his write-offs as well.  You can blame his accountant.

 

Mindy Goldblum, age 10, Green Bay, WI:  What happens in, let’s say, a football game where everyone on one team prays to God to help them win, and everyone on the other team also prays to God to help them win…….how does God decide who’s going to win or lose?

FATHER JOE:  Depends on whom God picked in the pool that week.  And no, God is not a Penn State fan.  It’s just a coincidence that the sky is blue.

 

Jimmy Burkett, age 12, Austin, TX:  Why is it illegal to mention God in our schools?  And why are some people trying to make it illegal to mention God’s name in our pledge of allegiance…yet these same people have no problem using printed money that states “In God We Trust” on it?

FATHER JOE:  I’m sorry, Jimmy.  You happened to ask that question here in your middle school.  See those police cars pulling up in the parking lot?  They’re for you.

 

Anna Jenkins, age 8, Sacramento, CA:  What happened between God and Satan?  What’s their history and do they still talk to one another?

FATHER JOE:  Before God allowed his son Jesus to come to Earth to die for our sins, God had another son named Harry.  Satan had a little boy named Roderick whom everyone called “Hot Rod” because he had flames shooting out of his head.  One day, God was having a block party with all the angels and his neighbors: Allah, Buddha and Mohammed.  Everyone’s drinking and having a great time and suddenly there’s this loud crash.  God runs into His family room and sees His favorite vase smashed to pieces on the floor.  All the kids back away except Harry and Satan’s kid.  God says, “Me dammit!  What the hell happened here?”  Now, rumor has it that Harry broke the damn vase, but Harry figured to himself, “What the hell?  I’m God’s kid, He has to believe me.”  So Harry says, “Hot Rod broke it, Daddy-O.”  And Hot Rod’s like, “What?  Dude, I wasn’t even in the room!”  And Harry’s like, “Yo dude, don’t lie to my old man, he’ll make you say 10 Our Father’s and 10 Hail Mary’s” and God’s like, “Who are you calling ‘Old Man’?” and Satan comes in and says, “Who’s accusing my son of breaking this ugly ass vase?” and God’s like, “Ugly ass vase?  My mother bought that for me in Ireland!” and Satan’s like, “You wanna take this outside?” and God’s like, “Sorry, I don’t believe in fighting, I’m a Quaker” and Satan’s like…like…uh…Anna?  Hello?  Am I keeping you awake?