We see TIGER WOODS and his ATTORNEY, standing behind a podium at Tiger Woods’ home.  Here’s what REALLY happened at the so-called Tiger Woods press conference on 2/19/10:

 

ATTORNEY: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.  Mr. Woods is here to make a quick, sincere statement then he has to return to sex rehab where he shares a wing with other women who are addicted to sex.  There will be no need for questions because you will all see just how sincere and remorseful Mr. Woods is.  Tiger?

TIGER: Thanks.  Good morning, everybody.  I’m here today to apologize to my wife for cheating on her with 3 women…

TIGER’S ANGRY MOM IN THE AUDIENCE: 18 women!

TIGER: …give or take a few.  Elin…if you’re watching?  I’m sorry.  My bad.  I would also like to apologize to my sponsors.  Sorry, everybody!  To my fellow golfers on the PGA Tour…I’m sorry.  Mind if I take a Mulligan?  Heh, heh.  Hey, who’s that walking up here to the podium?  Mark McGwire?

MARK McGWIRE: Hey, Tiger!  I just wanted to reiterate how sorry I am for taking steroids all those years while I played baseball.  I’m sorry for taking them and having them help me make millions of dollars and breaking the all-time, single season homerun record.  Talk about an asterisk for the asshole, huh?  Anyway, I’m sorry.

TIGER: No problem, Mark.  Hey, is that Donte Stallworth?

STALLWORTH: Hey, Tiger.  Hey, Mark.  I just thought I’d stop by and once again apologize for my drunk driving accident that killed an innocent man.

TIGER: How much jail time did ya get for that, Donte?

STALLWORTH: None!  I just apologized and paid the family a few million to drop the lawsuit.  Sort of the guy’s fault for walking across the street while I was driving drunk.  Anyway, the NFL suspended me for a whole year without pay!  Boy, was I sorry! 

McGWIRE: I hear the Baltimore Ravens signed you.

STALLWORTH: Yep!  It sure helps to say you’re sorry!

MICHAEL VICK: You’re telling me!

ALL: Michael Vick!

VICK: I’d like to let everyone know how sorry I am I got caught killing those dogs.

TIGER: You mean you’re sorry for killing those dogs, right?

VICK: Yeah.  What’d I say?

PLAXICO BURRESS: Hey, guys!  I couldn’t help but join the party!  I’m sorry for carrying a gun in New York City and accidentally shooting it in my pants.  I guess the wrong gun went off, huh?

ELI MANNING: Trust me, Plaxico!  I’m even more sorry that you did that!  I’ve been a sorry excuse of a quarterback since you went to the slammer!

PLAXICO: Speaking of which…how the hell did I go to jail for 2 years for shooting a gun by accident and Donte Stallworth kills a guy and only gets a one year suspension from the NFL?

STALLWORTH: I guess you’re sorry you didn’t have my lawyer.

PLAXICO: I am sorry.

GILBERT ARENAS: Hey, it’s me, Gilbert Arenas from the Washington Wizards.

TIGER: Who are they?

ARENAS: NBA team.  I know, I know…I don’t watch it anymore either.  Anyhoo, I’m the guy who pulled a gun in the locker room last month.  I just wanted to say how sorry I am I did that.  Sorry.

VICK: Hey!  It’s my fellow Philadelphia Eagle, Donovan McNabb!  What are you doing here, buddy?

McNABB: I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not being able to throw an accurate pass. 

BRETT FAVRE: And I’d like to say I’m sorry for being such a prima donna.  Actually, I’m not sorry!  I’m Brett Favre and you will wait. 

McNABB: And what the heck is Plaxico Burress doing here?  Shouldn’t you be in jail?

(We hear police sirens off in the distance)

PLAXICO: Sorry, but I gotta run!  (PLAXICO dives out the window.)

TIGER: Well, look at that!  It’s Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens!  It’s about time you guys showed up!

BONDS/CLEMENS: What are you talking about?  We have nothing to apologize for!

(Dead silence.  We hear a cricket off in the distance.  BONDS and CLEMENS suddenly can’t hold back the laughter and they both seriously crack up.  The other athletes and the few members of the media erupt in laughter.  FREEZE SCENE and roll end credits.  While everyone is frozen, TIGER sneaks out to get back to sex rehab where he doesn’t get much sleep.  Meanwhile, one of the rolling credits bumps McNABB.  McNABB unfreezes and punches the credit.  It’s the first time he’s hit a moving target in months.)

"Sorry, honey! My bad!"

"Sorry, honey! My bad!"