Typical day in the life of an American male white collar worker:

8:00 - Walk into my cubicle and sigh heavily

8:05 - Shovel 11 chocolate donut holes down my throat

8:10 - is it lunchtime yet?

8:15 – check out ESPN.com for last night’s scores

8:20 - discuss plans for lunch with co-workers

8:25 – check out eBay.com to see if that Trek road bike that my wife won’t let me buy is still for sale.  Place a bid.

8:30–8:45 - cigarette break

8:50-9:15 - take a morning dump

9:17 - now that we’ve made some room, time to eat more donut holes

9:20 – check out MSNBC.com

9:25-9:35 – sort through all of the crude jokes emailed to me from my buddies since last night

9:35-9:45 – refill the coffee mug, shoot the sh*t with my co-workers on the other side of the cubicle wall

9:45 – check out CNN.com

9:55 – outbid the buyer who had just outbid me for that Trek road bike

10:00-10:30 – attend mandatory sexual harassment class

10:31 – on the way out, slap the female instructor on the ass and tell her she did a great job! 

10:35-10:45 - cigarette break

10:50-11:15 – collect $ from co-workers and make a Starbucks run

11:20 - reconfirm lunch plans

11:25-11:35 – receive phone call from HR inquiring about my “ass-slapping” of the sexual harassment instructor.  I explain that “the bitch did a great job.”

11:40 - on your mark…

11:50 - …get set…

12:00 - …GO…to lunch!

12:01 - 1:10 - Lunch

1:11 - 1:30 - cigarette break

1:35 – place another bid for the Trek bike.

1:40 – email my buddies about this week’s football game

2:00-2:50 - take afternoon dump

2:55 – eat another handful of slightly stale donut holes.  Make sure to leave at least one donut hole in the box.  Complain to co-workers that I’m fat.

3:00 – receive phone call from HR inquiring about my “ass-slapping” and my “bitch” comment.  I explain that the word “ass” is in the word “harass” and that now I’m feeling harassed and maybe next time HR should call my lawyer.

3:05-3:30 - email friends about happy hour tonight

3:35-3:50 – cigarette break

3:50-4:00 – discover that I am now the proud owner of a $3,000 Trek road bike.  Begin brainstorming on how to explain this to the wife.

4:00-4:20 - gossip with co-workers…busting on our “slacker” co-workers

4:30 - tell boss I deserve a raise

4:45 - re-confirm happy hour plans

4:50 - on your mark…

4:55 - …get set…

5:00 - GO!