From a recently aired interview on CNN with Democratic presidential nominee John F. Kerry:

CNN:  Senator, you have been sitting with me now for 15 minutes and I have yet to understand one of your answers.

KERRY:  You obviously have not been listening to me.  Fortunately, most Americans have been listening.  Those are the Americans I’m addressing right now.  Americans who are willing to listen and are willing to vote for a man who wants change!  I am a man of change.  Change is good.

CNN:  But didn’t you just say the other day that “if elected, I will stay the course”?  How does that convey change to the American voter?

KERRY:  That quote was taken out of context.  I believe I made that remark on a golf course.  The entire statement was, “If elected, I will continue to play golf on a golf course.”

CNN:  Senator, how do you feel about the fact that thousands upon thousands of jobs have been outsourced to offshore companies during President Bush’s first three years?

KERRY:  I think it’s awful.  Faithful Americans (who listen) should not be placed in a situation where they wake up one morning and find that their job is now in India!  I will put a stop to that immediately!

CNN:  How?  Take a look at the Information Technology sector.  An Oracle DBA makes $100/hr. here in the U.S. but an Oracle DBA in India maybe makes $5/hr.  How can American companies compete?

KERRY:  I will convince those Indian companies to pay their Oracle DBAs a lot more so American companies won’t want to outsource their work to those companies any more.  It’s quite simple.  I’m not sure why President Bush hadn’t thought of it.

CNN:  Senator, how is your college campaign tour?  Recent polls suggest college students have become more dissatisfied with President Bush over the last six months and that you now have a 10-point margin over him.

KERRY:  I’m very pleased with those numbers.  My “Change Starts With U” tour has been quite successful.  College students realize change starts with me and that I will bring that change to them.

CNN:  Is there a reason why your tour is called “Change Starts With U”?

KERRY:  They’re college students.  Half are drunk, half are high, half are pregnant and they’re all idiots.  It was my idea to use “U” rather than spell out “Y-E-W” because half of them wouldn’t know what the hell they were reading anyway.  I blame President Bush for that.

CNN:  For your obnoxious comment about college students?

KERRY:  No.  I blame President Bush for the illiteracy problem facing this country.  That’s why Americans don’t know how to listen.

CNN:  How about the fact that most college students said they would vote for you because they are not happy with President Bush?  And that 37% of college students said they don’t know enough about you to even form an opinion?

KERRY:  No opinion is better than a lousy opinion.  Ask George W. Bush.  He’d kill for a few million “no opinions” right now.  If I can remain anonymous ‘til November, I’ll be your next president!