Deer Santuh Klaws,

 

Hi! This iz Sarah. I am 7-years-old. I kant wate for Chrismus so I kan get prezents! Im going to leeve you some cukies by the firplace. I luv you, Santa!

 

Luv,

Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

 

And I’m going to leave you something called a dictionary.  Be sure to use it, sweetheart.

  

 

Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas! As I’m writing you this, I’m looking at a picture of you and me at the mall last year. I was crying a lot because I was scared, but now I’m 6 and I’m scared of nothing!

For Christmas, please send me a big flashlight and lots of batteries for my little brother who…uh…shares my bedroom with me and he’s…uh…scared of the dark. Yeah, he’s scared of the dark, Santa, and he wants a big flashlight, one of those with the big square batteries. Yeah.

Thanks!

Love,

Peter

Dear Peter,

I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake.  And I know damn well you don’t have a little brother who “shares your bedroom” with you.  Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.  A flashlight it is!

P.S. Your older brother is still living in the orphanage.  Did your parents ever tell you that you were adopted?

 

 

Dear Santa,

 

I have a question for you. How do you get down my chimney when I know for a fact that it’s a small opening and you are quite a fat man? How do, Santa? How do?

 

Love,

Jeffrey, age 7

 

Dear Jeff,

 

The same way your mother was able to squeeze her fat a$$ into that smoking chiffon the other night for that corporate dinner.  Magic.

 santa-early