Shrek 2, May 21st

            Definitely the best flick of the summer.  Sequel to probably the funniest animated movie ever made (sorry, Finding Nemo fans), Shrek 2 finds Shrek, his new wife and Donkey living together on a farm in Topeka, Kansas.  They try to mind their own business but soon a swarm of distressed gay and lesbian couples arrive at their farm.  “No one will let us marry!” they cry.  Shrek attempts to kick the couples off his farm and realizes it’s useless.  So he and Donkey take the hundreds of couples on a road trip to Massachusetts, the only state that allows legalized gay/lesbian marriages.  Along the way Shrek and Donkey come across President George W. Bush who tries to stop them by building a wall of Bibles in their path.  (Bush is portrayed hilariously by Nathan Lane.)  In the end Shrek surprisingly expresses his love for Donkey, exclaiming, “I love my ass’s ass!”  John Kerry weds the two and exclaims that George W. Bush is really Satan’s twin brother.  (Rated PG) 

Spider-Man 2, June 30th

            In the sequel to the 2002 blockbuster, Spider-Man, this long awaited sequel finds our webbed superhero battling depression.  “I’m still bummed over crushing my leg in Seabiscuit,” admitted Tobey Maguire who reprises the role as Peter Parker/Spider-Man.  Turning to drugs, Spider-Man is then accused of a hit-and-run accident, gains a ton of weight, loses it by taking more drugs, becomes a spokesperson for the weight loss drug, has his life story microscoped by E!’s “True Hollywood Story” and finally gets his own reality TV show where he lives under the same roof with the Incredible Hulk, John Kerry and Big Boi from the group Outkast.  Kirsten Dunst, once again portraying love interest Mary Jane Watson, claims there is another wet T-shirt scene and “No, they were not radios under my shirt in the first movie!” (Rated PG-13)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, June 4th

            It’s Harry’s third year at Hogwarts and it’s his most dangerous year yet!  Harry, Hermione and Ron come face to face with Sirius Black, an escaped convict who played a part in the death of Harry’s parents.  Unfortunately, John Kerry plays the part of Black who reveals early on that Harry’s parents died “because they lost their jobs overseas like 3 million other Americans!  I will fight to restore the jobs lost under Bush in the first 500 days of my administration!  I will create jobs through a new manufacturing jobs credit, by investing in new energy industries, restoring technology and stopping layoffs in education!  I won’t be afraid to crack down on corporations that are hiding their money in Bermuda and blah, blah, blah! (Rated R for offensive political overtones)  

The Day After Tomorrow, May 28th

            It’s weather gone wild as a new Ice Age sweeps across the Earth and scientist Dennis Quaid travels to a frozen New York City to rescue his son.  The best scene is when John Kerry stands on the Empire State Building with a megaphone, claiming, “You can blame George W. Bush and the Republicans for this!  I would have spoken with other European leaders to prevent this from happening!  Anyway, I won’t be afraid to crack down on corporations that are hiding their money in Bermuda to avoid paying their fair share and will end special tax giveaways to companies that ship jobs abroad!  I will defend the rights of workers (especially Democrats) consumers and shareholders in holding corporations accountable for their actions and blah, blah, blah!?  And then Dennis Quaid plunges an icicle into Kerry’s chest and exclaims, “Look!  A bleeding heart liberal!”  (Rated PG-13)