From the e-mail of Len Siren, 31, computer programmer of Fruitdish, TN, to his family and friends:

 

From: Len               

To: Family/Friends

Subject: Baby Update

 

Hey gang!Yesterday was quite a day in the Siren household!  Jupiter was born at 6:57 in the p.m. at 9 lbs., 4 oz.  He and his mother are doing fine!

 

I have to admit it wasn’t the easiest of childbirths.  Granted, this was the first one I ever experienced firsthand, but I gotta think that there aren’t too many others that go down like this one.  For starters, Stacy was in labor for nearly 12 hours when her doctor finally said, “Time to bring the little bugger out of the fire pit!”

 

I held onto Stacy’s hand and told her I loved her.  Stacy looked at me and said while gasping a mile a minute, “You’re a (CENSORED) (CENSORED)hole!”  I knew she really meant to say she loved me.

 

Just then the doctor, who at this point was sitting in front of Stacy’s open legs, said, “What the hell?”

 

“What is, doc?” I asked.

 

“I thought I just saw your son’s face,” she said.  “But then it vanished.”

 

A nurse was standing beside our doctor and she suddenly cried, “Look!  There it is!”  I ran over to join them and I saw my baby boy’s face sticking out of my wife’s rat trap.

 

“Jupiter?” I asked.

 

“Who’s asking?” he replied, then his face vanished again!

 

“You come outta there, young’un!” I cried.  “Ya hear?”

 

Just then a tiny little hand reached out.  It was holding a folded note!  I grabbed it and quickly opened it.  The doctor, nurse and I all read it together.  “Dear Mom and Dad:  I look forward to entering your world and being your son but there is one thing I need to know.  Do I have any older brothers and sisters?”

 

“No!” I yelled.  “Now come on outta there!”

 

The tiny hand appeared again, holding yet another folded note.  I grabbed it.  “An acceptable answer.  Will I have any younger brothers and sisters in the foreseeable future?”

 

“I dunno,” I replied.  “All depends on whether Mommy and Daddy can curb their tequila habit.”  The doctor and nurse laughed at that.  “Now don’t make me come in there, Jupiter!”

 

The tiny hand reappeared with another note.  “Ooh!  You gonna attack me again with that baby inchworm?”  Now the doctor and nurse were in tears laughing while I stood there holding three soggy notes, my face beet red.

 

“What the hell’s going on down there?” Stacy yelled. 

 

“Pop him out,” I grunted.  “And as soon as he’s out, we’re sending him to his room for a timeout!!!”