April 28th

            I’m a very popular man tonight in the Philadelphia tri-state area.  At exactly 11:29 p.m. I spurted out the infamous 5-day forecast.  Showers tonight into tomorrow, low tonight of 52, high tomorrow of 68 with clouds and some sun.  Same for Wednesday.  Thursday we’ll be looking at rain in the morning, clouds with a chance of sun with a high of only 62.

            Then I laid it on the line for Memorial Day weekend!  “Folks,” I said, “Mother Nature’s wrath is taking a breather for the holiday weekend.  Clouds Friday morning but the sun will rear its head sometime that day, a high of 70.  Sunny with a slight breeze on Saturday, high of 74.  Same for Sunday but with a slight chance of showers.”

            Oh yes, I am one popular man tonight!  Little do the masses know that I have absolutely no idea what the weather is going to be like over the weekend…let alone tomorrow!

 

April 29th

            Today’s high was 56 degrees with rain throughout the day.  In tonight’s newscast I pointed to a map showing that a high pressure system was hanging off the coast of New Brunswick which prevented the low pressure system in the Delaware Valley from moving off to sea.  Sounded good to me.  I’m still calling for a sunny weekend.  What the hell?  I can’t do any worse than Bolaris.  36 inches of snow he predicted and we didn’t get one snowflake.  Pretty boy dumbass!!!  Nearly ruined it for the rest of us.

 

April 30th

            Had my yearly review today.  Apparently I have been off on 78% of my forecasts for the past year.  “Well,” I said, “Mother Nature must have been going through menopause this past year, huh?”  Everyone had a good laugh.  Clark wants me to lower that number to 70% for next year, the prick.  I’ll bet he has no idea what the hell the barometer reading means either!  By the way, today was partly cloudy with some sun and a shower here and there, so I was dead on with my forecast! 

 

May 1st

            Does partly cloudy mean mostly sunny and does partly sunny mean mostly cloudy?  Don’t know, don’t care.  Didn’t learn it in my communications classes at Temple.  I’m sure the other 297 kids in my Intro to Communications 101 couldn’t answer that as well.

            I’m calling for partly cloudy with a chance of showers now for both Saturday and Sunday but I pointed out that if this low pressure system moves up from the Carolinas we could be looking at partly sunny with a significant chance of showers for the weekend, highs anywhere from 60 to 72, depending on what the doppler shows us in the next 24 hours.

            I’ll bet Clark doesn’t even know what the hell the doppler is, either!  Even though the prick is shelling out $5 million for it!

 

May 2nd  

 

            That Cecile Tynan sure looks good in those short skirts!  Brilliant move by Channel 6.  No one remembers when her forecasts are dead wrong…the viewers are too busy looking at her ass!  What concerns is me is that she is predicting a washout for this weekend while I’m still calling for partly cloudy with a chance of partly sunny or some kind of unspecific shit.  What does she know that I don’t?  Does she know how to read the doppler?  Actually, I don’t think Channel 6 has a doppler.  They did have Jim O’Brien, though.  He was a riot.

 

May 3rd

            I called for partly cloudy with a chance of partly sunny with showers off and on throughout the day mixed with fog and a slight chance of thunderstorms and maybe even hail.  High of 68.  Instead, it rained all day with a high of 56.  I said we had an extremely stubborn high pressure system off the coast of New Brunswick again that wasn’t allowing our low pressure system to move out to sea.  I suggested to our viewers that they get their asses up to northeastern Canada for their holiday weekend because according to our $5 million doppler, it sure was sunny up there!

            Cecile and Hurricane “I Can’t Believe I’m On TV Wearing a Bowtie” Schwartz are calling for rain all day tomorrow.  I threw in the white towel and followed suit.  I called Hurricane after the broadcast and asked what the hell he knew.  He said, “No idea.  I was just following Cecile’s lead.  She sure looks good in those tight skirts, ya know?”

 

May 4th 

 

            Rain most of the day.  I look like a genius, thanks to Cecile Tynan.  Went to my parents for a barbecue.  Dad asked me if I was happy with my career.  “Dad,” I said, “I get paid a million bucks to stand in front of a camera every night making up stories.  If I’m wrong, I blame it on Mother Nature.  If I’m right, which occurs a decent 22% of the time, I look like a genius.  Absolutely no pressure.  You’re damn right I’m happy with my career!”

May 6th  

            I was just handed my walking papers.  Station fired me this morning for a new weatherperson.  Haven’t met her yet…but I hear she has a nice ass!