From the e-mail of Len Siren, 31, computer programmer of Fruitdish, TN, to his family and friends:

 

From: Len               

To: Family/Friends

Subject: Baby Update

 

Hey gang!Monday the 12th is the due date!  Stacy went to the doc’s yesterday and was told by the trusted one to “have sex!  Have plenty of sex and that’ll get the little varmint hopping out of that thar belly before you can say, “blackstrap molasses” ten times!”

 

 

Stacy replied, “What?”

 

So last night we sat down to a romantic candlelight dinner (I wanted food, but Stacy is into eating wax these days…says it’s good for the baby’s spleen or something) and we made our way to the bedroom.  So there I am, about to reveal the goods when I hear, “Not tonight, honey, I’ve got a headache.”

 

I said, “What?  This is what the doctor ordered.”

 

Stacy said, “What?”

 

I said, “Let’s get down to it, hon.”

 

She said, “I’m waiting.” 

 

So I climb into bed and I hear, “I really have a headache, honey.”

 

I said, “So take aspirin.”

 

Stacy said, “For what?”  I said, “Your headache.”  She said, “I don’t have a headache.”  I said, “You just said you’re not in the mood because of your headache!”  She said, “I said no such thing!”

 

So I pulled back the sheets and snuggled next to the wife when I heard, “Can we do this later?  My back is killing me, too.  I think I’d rather read a book.” 

 

“What’s wrong with your back?” I asked.  “Nothing!” Stacy stammered. 

 

I realized what the hell was going on.  I placed my head next to Stacy’s belly and I heard, “Really, honey, I’m not in the mood.  Okay?  Go water the plants.”

 

“HEY!” I yelled to my unborn son.  “Knock it off in there!  Your mother and I are trying to tie the knot, ya know what I’m sayin’?”

 

“Don’t you mean loosen the knot?” my little imp replied.  At that, the three of us laughed and guffawed like friggin’ hyenas.  Stacy and I decided to spare the little one’s forehead and we decided to go out for some water ice instead.  “Hey!” yelled our little one as Stacy drowned her belly with a large gelati.  “I’m freezing my ass off in here!”