The Case of the Missing Missus

(SCENE:  We see Inspector Now slowly pacing in the living room of the wealthy Harbaugh family.  The elderly John Harbaugh sits nervously on the sofa with his twenty-something daughter, Pamela.  Twenty-something daughter Tracie sits on an adjoining loveseat with her husband, Mark Hamilton.  Uncle Ashton sits at the piano stool.)

 

INSPECTOR NOW:  I shall read the letter again.  “Dear John, Please leave $100,000 in a bag under the bridge on Maple Street.  If there is no bridge on Maple Street, please build one.  I am being treated well; given shelter and good food although I wasn’t too crazy about the choice in wine last night.  Who drinks Merlot on a muggy evening?  Please send the money quickly, darling, because if it is not here by Thursday they will make me write you again and ask for the money by Friday.  They do not want to wait until next week with a holiday on Monday and the banks closed.  Love With All My Heart, Clarice.  P.S.  This is no joke.  I am enclosing a joke so you can tell the difference.”

PAMELA (sobbing):  Please, Inspector Now!  Please find my mother!

INSPECTOR NOW:  There, there.  Don’t you worry about a thing.  I’ll find your mother.  What say you and I have some dinner tonight if I find her…say…by 3:00?

TRACIE:  Inspector Now!

INSPECTOR NOW:  Actually, I’ll inspect her later. 

JOHN HARBAUGH:  Who do you think kidnapped my wife?

INSPECTOR NOW:  Who indeed?  Someone who obviously needs $100,000.  (He approaches Uncle Ashton.)  Where were you on the night of August the twelfth?

UNCLE ASHTON:  In bed.

INSPECTOR NOW:  With whom?

UNCLE ASHTON:  That’s a personal question.

INSPECTOR NOW:  And I’d like a personal answer.

UNCLE ASHTON:  I was in bed with your wife.  She said you’re the worst lover she’s ever…

INSPECTOR NOW:  Whoa, whoa!  No need to get personal!

UNCLE ASHTON:  But you said you’d like…

INSPECTOR NOW:  You are a heavy gambler, Uncle Ashton.  I understand you possess nearly $100,000 in gambling debts!  (Everyone in the room gasps.  Uncle Ashton appears stunned then ashamed.)  Yes, I know who kidnapped Mrs. Harbaugh.  It was none other than…  (He points to the loveseat.)  Mark Hamilton!  Mrs. Harbaugh’s own son-in-law!

 

What makes Inspector Now think Mark kidnapped his own mother-in-law?

 

INSPECTOR NOW:  Quite obvious, really.  The letter supposedly written by Mrs. Harbaugh is in Mr. Hamilton’s handwriting.

MARK:  No, it’s not!  It’s typed!

INSPECTOR NOW:  Correct!  And with this… (He suddenly reveals a typewriter.)  A 1963 Corona typewriter!  You’ll notice that the letter t is raised as are the t’s in the letter!

MARK:  No, they’re not!  You’re just mimicking the end of that Glenn Close movie, Jagged Edge.

TRACIE:  I loved that movie!

UNCLE ASHTON:  Actually, I did kidnap her.  I possess nearly $100,000 in gambling debts.

INSPECTOR NOW:  No, that’s too obvious.  Okay, you’re right.  The t’s are not raised.  But look at the letter “L” in the letter!  They’re raised, I tell you!  It was Mark!

MARK:  I’ve never been accused of raising “L” until now.

INSPECTOR NOW:  This letter was absolutely typed with this typewriter!

UNCLE ASHTON:  Which you found in the guest bedroom which is where I’m staying. 

PAMELA:  Was Jagged Edge the movie where Beau Bridges turns out to be the killer?

TRACIE:  No, that was Jeff Bridges.

INSPECTOR NOW:  Admit your guilt, Mark!

UNCLE ASHTON:  I told you!  I kidnapped her!

JOHN HARBAUGH:  Hey…uh…Ashton?  How much for Mrs. Harbaugh…to…uh…stay kidnapped?

UNCLE ASHTON:  You kidding me?  I can’t even get rid of Inspector Now’s wife!

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