The following took place in the home of Sid Garcia, 42, of Miramar, FL on the evening of 6/22/09.  Mr. Garcia had just returned from a water-ice run with his wife Marie, 40, and daughter Judy, 11, when the following occurred:

 

MARIE:  OK, Judy, time for bed.

JUDY:  Can’t I stay up just a little bit longer?  It’s summer!

MARIE:  And it’s 10:00.  10:00 is “just a little bit longer”.  C’mon.

(The phone rings.)

SID:  I’ll get it, honey.  Goodnight, princess!  (He kisses his daughter and answers the phone.)  Hello?

VOICE:  Hello?  Mr. Garcia?

SID:  Yes?  Who is this? 

VOICE:  I’m Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8, the hit TV series on TLC.

SID:  Huh?  Who are you?

JON:  You know…the reality TV show about my wife and I and our eight kids.  The show follows my family and our daily lives, focusing on the challenges of raising multiple children.  And let me tell you, our children are not being exploited!  No emotional distress here!

SID:  What’s TLC?

JON:  Mr. Garcia, I’m calling you and thousands of families such as yours tonight because I wanted to make sure that you’re okay with the announcement Kate and I made this evening.

SID:  Who is this?

JON:  I know that millions of Americans are now distraught over the fact that Kate and I have decided to divorce.  We know it’s going to be difficult at first, but we believe we’re doing the best thing for our children.  Let’s face it, my wife’s a bitch.  Everyone can see that.  She even bitched about the placement of the stupid crooked houses we just had built for the kids.  Would you have put up with Kate’s antics all these years?

SID:  Sir, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about and I have a call on the other line.  Hold on.  Hello?

VOICE:  Is this Mr. Garcia?

SID:  Yes.

VOICE:  This is Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8, the hit TV series on TLC.

SID:  Is this a joke? 

KATE:  Sir, divorce is no joke.  This is a decision that will affect every member of our family, one we hope that will bring each of us some peace.

SID:  Yeah, I know.  I have your husband on the other line.

KATE:  What??  He already beat me to the punch on the PR front?  Sure…now he talks!  Do you have con call on your line, sir?  Can you click me in?

SID:  Let me see.  Yes, here we go…

KATE:  Jon?

JON:  Kate?! 

(As the two argue, MARIE approaches.)

MARIE:  Who’s on the phone?

SID:  Don’t know.  I’d say they’re two low-class assholes who think they’re celebrities.

WE INTERRUPT THIS ISSUE OF SEEK THERAPY WITH THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

WOMAN:  My name is Ellen Durke and I am a member of PETA.  We are still demanding an apology from President Obama for maliciously killing that fly last week!  Flies, as well as all insects, have every right to live, just as much as we human beings!  That fly, born last Monday in a pile of dog shit, was a beloved member of the fly community.  He is survived by his wife and 17 maggots.  The president is no Buddha…we humans still have a long way to go before we think before we act.  On behalf of the fly, PETA demands an apology.  Mr. President?

OBAMA:  I have one question for you, Ms. Durke.  Would I need to apologize if I killed the bug that’s up your ass?